#1
Back, I will return later tonight to critique others poems, so I may get to yours later.

Anyways C4C and as always, make it harsh...I am thinking of making a song and adding a refrain that comes in between every two verses or something or perhaps making it longer, but I want to see what your thoughts are on the possibility of a chorus or making it longer...and obviously on correcting these verses.

It tears at my heart, you know?
That I cannot write down
Your entire essence and beauty
Too complete for my imperfections

It sounds weird but
I suppose it makes sense
That sometimes beauty might
Outdo the power of the pen.

Or is it your essence?
Is it what makes you, you-
That overwhelms the pen?
I think it may be a blend of the two.

I can just feel the butterflies
Dancing up and down my tendons,
Preventing my hand from writing
My best underestimations.

For I struggle like St. Paul
Thinking of Acts nine: four and five
Wondering how to describe
His travel to Damascus.

However what I know is this,
Love is identifying the
External source of your joy
And I now can say
With absolute certainty
I have identified you.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Apr 8, 2011,
#2
This is beautiful. Personally, may favorite stanza is the second to last. I think it is very descriptive. The poem in itself is very emotional and strong. The only thing i think could improve it is in the last stanza, replace "certitude" with "certainty". in my opinion, it sounds like it would fit better. Overall, it is amazing and I am now going to crit your other songs.
#3
Good work, it's definitely trimmed and refined. The first line was good, but I think the rest of that first stanza is a bit cliche. Try switching it around maybe? The reference to the Road to Damascus is cool. That's an interesting way to make the concept more vivid. The last stanza and line wrap it up well.

So again, good work. If there's anything to be changed it would be that first stanza, just so that it peaks the interest a bit more.
We're only strays.
#4
Quote by 21wickwing
It tears at my heart, you know?
That I cannot write down
Your entire essence and beauty
That stands before me

Alright first stanza. Nothing really special, but we get the picture.

It sounds weird but
I suppose it makes sense
That sometimes beauty might
Outdo the power of the pen.

I really like this verse. The sense/pen rhyme is really cool and flows well. Also very surreal.

Or is it your essence?
Is it what makes you, you-
That overwhelms the pen?
I think it may be both.

Also a great verse. the 'you, you-' is nice. Can't really say anything bad so far.

I can just feel the butterflies
Dancing up and down my veins,
Preventing my hand from writing
My best underestimation.

I don't like the image of butterflies dancing up and down your veins. Think it could be better. Butterflies in the stomach? Electricity through the veins? maybe I'm just weird .

For I struggle like St. Paul
Thinking of Acts nine: four and five
Wondering how to describe
His travel to Damascus.

I don't even know what you're referencing and I like it. Hahah yeah!

However what I know is this,
Love is identifying the
External source of your joy
And I now can say
With absolute certainty
I have identified you.

If this is a song, singing this verse could be a little choppy. Doesn't flow very well. However I do enjoy the imagery.



Overall its a very cool poem, if maybe a little cliche. But maybe I say that just because it's basically a love song and I hate love songs. I'm sour . But yeah man, I like it, try changing up some of the words or phrases I pointed out, and I even think you could fit another stanza in there, if it was good.

#5
Quote by metalfan#3
Overall its a very cool poem, if maybe a little cliche. But maybe I say that just because it's basically a love song and I hate love songs. I'm sour . But yeah man, I like it, try changing up some of the words or phrases I pointed out, and I even think you could fit another stanza in there, if it was good.



glad I semi-won-over a love song hater. hahahaha. Yeah I am trying to figure out how to maybe use slant rhymes...and the butterfly verse is of high importance to critique for me because I, myself, am very skeptical about that one. Thanks for your crits
#6
Very nice, if a bit simple.

I don't care for the 'Outdo the power of the pen.' 'Beauty might outdo' rings wierd to me.
Just the word outdo I don't care for, I think you can find a better word.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."