#1
It's been a while since I've written anything. But I need an outlet, so...here ya go. Something happy for a change.

The title's silly and corny, but I can't think of much right now. Maybe I like it. Maybe I don't. Either way, it fits what this piece is going for.



I want to be with you when the tornadoes come.

I want to lie down in a grassy ditch
with mud on my jeans and bugs in my hood.
To just stare at the sky, green and grey,
let our hair splay about on the earth,
feel the wind and dust swirling and
clinging, pulling at our ankles.
Take to flight, your hand in mine
bits of wood and splinters and dirt
shoelaces and the lids of trashcans
bits of plastic and candy wrappers
and the two of us climbing skyward
the breath in your chest and the
tingle running down my spine.

Fingers tangled in the fringes
of your hair, blonde and dirty
your nails running across my chest.

We float on toiletries and air
leaving urban insects in our wake.
We touch down on this cloud
as the birds and bats fly beneath
and we treat each other as blankets.

The night is not as cold
as it once was.
#2
Cool, this had me from the first line.

I don't have much other than that to say about it, well I didn't care much for the "We float on toiletries and air line." As I pictured this taking place in a field, or ditch like you said. Now if you got sucked out of a house. . . I don't know though, I'll have to come back to this, but as of now I like it. Great imagrey.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#3
Man, I dig this a lot, though like you said the title is a little sucky.. Maybe I understood it wrong but I reckon the title should focus on the girl (or guy, gotta be P.C so people can't get pissy) instead of the whole "I'm Perfection".. That makes it sorta sound like Paul McCartney digging himself... Again.
#4
The biggest gripe of this piece is that there was way too much telling and not enough showing; such a stance doesn't benefit this piece. The third stanza is really, really great and well crafted. I wish I wrote the first two lines of that third stanza The final couplet was very fitting as well. The tone of this piece was spot on as well.

A great read Thank you very much for getting to mine.
#5
Jeez, almost forgot about this...thanks for the critiques, peeps.

@Toadvine - Thanks mate, I usually have some trouble reeling in the reader. But I'll keep the toiletries line, it was a fave of mine.

@Bag'ed - Again, thanks for coming in here to say something, I like seeing my stuff appreciated. I probably will change the title, though the meaning was my attempt at a pun on imperfection - let's be honest, being stuck in a tornado is pretty shitty. But I wanted to take all of its issues and make it seem beautiful.

@Bleed Away - Wow, that comment pretty much blew me away. I've been reading you for years, so...yeah. Thanks a lot mate. What exactly do you mean by showing vs telling though? Like, describing vs explaining?

Thanks again everyone, I'll get to your pieces if I haven't soon.
#6
Good stuff here. The couplet left me with a good taste in my mouth so, in my opinion, you did a good job of setting it up for a big enough punch. I think there are some parts where you could think about taking out some of the description. For example, your description of all the objects flying around. In my opinion, I don't think you need to describe so much. Or, rather, you don't need to describe such generic things. Instead, you could insert things that have some symbolism to the relationship you have with this person, such as ordinary objects that would fulfill the image of the chaos of a tornado and also invoke some meaning to the image. As it stands (unless shoelaces and trashcan lids hold some personal significance that I am missing, which in such a case you should ignore this advice), I feel the images were just thrown in there and I believe there's potential to make them more meaningful.

But like I said, I still enjoyed this nonetheless.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Quote by punkforlife93


@Bleed Away - Wow, that comment pretty much blew me away. I've been reading you for years, so...yeah. Thanks a lot mate. What exactly do you mean by showing vs telling though? Like, describing vs explaining?



I think that the first stanza didn't really convey a lot, it read almost like a list in a few sections, especially: "shoelaces and the lids of trashcans
bits of plastic and candy wrappers
and the two of us climbing skyward
the breath in your chest and the
tingle running down my spine."
It would have been great if you had decribed the experience (or image) a bit more explicitly, if you know what I mean?

And thanks. I didn't realise that you have been reading my pieces for that long. Appreciated
#8
Ah right, I'll definitely work on that. Solid advice, folks.

@SubwayToVenus I've seen a lot of your stuff too, you're an amazing writer...gah. Good to hear, and I'll work on that!
#9


this was nice to read. tells a lot of you. I think you portrayed the intimacy well.
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#10
Yo Jed

I really like this. The imagery is unique and I think it's worded very well.
One criticism, though, I'm not sure I agree with the word choice of "toiletries"
I feel like it disrupts the flow of the lines
But that may just be me being really nit-picky because I like everything about this so much

Good job

edit: and would love to hear music to this <3