#1
crit4crit
PLEASE DON'T TAKE ME FOR A RIDE

The Lord carried a cross
I carry a cardboard sign
With the words written on it
"Please don't take me for a ride".
The meaning is lost in translation
Or maybe it's just my soul
Watching the caravans roll by
Wishing I could go where they go.
The highway seems to go on forever
And my feet are swollen and bruised
But at least it takes me somewhere
I'm a fool for thinking you would too.

I try not to try too hard
But again I try too much;
Everyone's after a one night stand,
I'm still looking for true love.

I stumble into a town
Where all the sunshine
Is mumbled by the neon
Of stuttering lights.
And the bar fly buzzes
Trying to relive glory days
'Cause there's no trace of glory
Anywhere on her face.
And I feel sorry for her
And the hand that she was dealt
But then those hands unfasten
Another man's belt.

I try not to try too hard
But again I try too much;
Everyone's after a one night stand,
I'm still looking for true love

Instead of losing sleep
And making you lose your mind,
I wish love was simple
As a nursery rhyme.
Then I begin to wonder
if Jack is still with Jilll,
Or did she leave him to die
At the bottom of the hill?

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill found another stupid bastard.

But my faith is never lost
I give my all to be like Jesus,
That's why I'm always surrounded
By cowards and deceivers.
Everyday's a last supper
And I need a fu ckin' drink
To swallow down tomorrow;
Pass me the acetone please.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Apr 29, 2011,
#2
This piece has me torn, a bit. There are some parts that I really like...and there are other things about it that I just can't stand. For example, the content, for the most part, is solid - if I'm right in what I think this is about, that is. There are a few sections that seem irrelevant, but overall, it's way above average and very cleverly worded.

But then there are bits like the flow of it...which I honestly couldn't get at all, reading it out loud. It'll transition super awkwardly between parts, parts that almost seem like they should stand alone. And it's not like it's a syllable too long at some parts or something. It reads plain awkwardly.

Take the Jack and Jill segments, for example. The two stanzas, I mean. The first stanza would be pretty great, if not for the first line, which kills the flow from the start. And just when the flow's picking back up, the last line in the second stanza screws it up again.

So, yeah. I'll remember this piece. It's definitely pretty good, and there's a lot of potential for even better writing in this...but the flow! Hehe, just gotta work that out mate.
#3
I thought this was really good. I love the first part, and the third as well. I didn't care so much for "lowlife's" just the word. I think you could find a better one, and the overall image is perfect.

I agree with punkforlife93 about the 'tagging' line. It's clever and all, but something doesn't really flow in with the rest of the stanza. Like it's too clever to really fit there, with a Jack & Jill analogy. Maybe you could word it a little differently.

I do however like the 'Jill found another stupid bastard' line. I don't know, made me smile. Is this a song? It seems like one with a chorus and all. If it is, it seems like you could seperate these stanzas. As it feels like your slightly retracing your steps. It's moving forward, then it falls back a step.

I think the 'But my faith is never lost' could be a little better as well. It's a bit simple. All minor details of course.

Overall well done. Is there a genre?
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."