#1
“My dreams are the only tangible form of ‘journeys’.”

Venture into the obsession
of the unknown
or the foretold.
You said that you will never turn back,
but that’s in the past now.

You lie awake, beside a mirror,
and you find a repugnant specter
resting on a virtual corner.
You slowly learn that it, too,
is born of a woman.
Listen to what it has to say:
“I will see what becomes of your journey
once I strip you naked
and enclose you inside a pit.”

You are now a heavy smoker,
a drag queen, a leper -
should I continue?

Don’t get it all confused;
you are what you are, within.
The terraced house -
stationed in the ‘mother land’ -
is your burial ground.

Ha. I am not a Christian...

did you take ‘born again’
too seriously?
The pains of child birth
no longer upholds your name,
rather, it retorts ‘abortion!’

I am aware that you are man -
and you can fend for yourself -
but this ancestral route
has no continuum.
An irrational compromise of devotion
(and delusion) has plunged you
into your rightful place.

Ha. That’s a good boy.

You are not above your roots;
there is a difference between motion
and movement. Have you not
tarried long enough? A one-way conduit
has scattered your plans.

I don’t know much
but I know that.

Say goodbye
to your dreams
(and whatever else you believe in.)
Don’t waste your time with progress,
you would only be hurting yourself.

Just go to sleep!


That’s a good boy.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 8, 2011,
#2
This reminds me of something that I might have written a while ago. Maybe a year or two back. Except, well...it's better written, overall, and the content is pretty damn good too. As a matter of fact, none of that is the problem with this piece. I'll just say something that I got out of reading my older pieces recently, and try to go from there.

This just annoyed me.

I know, that's harsh. But the way this reads, so mocking, but not with tact, self-indulgent without reprieve - I can't even start to say how much that bothers me in writing now.

That said, reading it a couple more times has made me like it more. I might just be in a bad mood this morning, I don't know, hehe. But on first read, it definitely didn't resonate with me the way I like a piece to do at the start. There are some clever lines I liked, such as the "movement and motion" section, and the "born again Christian" bit is perfectly offensive and witty at the same time. But the end of this...the last three stanzas (rather, stanza and two lines) kill this, each re-read I take of it.

It's just obnoxious. You might have actually addressed that at one point, the "I don't know much, but I know that" line. But either way...it bothers me.

Sorry to be such a harsh critiique. I usually love your pieces, and just leave it at that, but reading this, I just feel that you can do so much better.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Apr 2, 2011,
#3
I think that times like these requires me to step out of the stance of the writer who wrote this piece and put myself into the stance of a reader reading this. With respect to being a reader reading this, I definitely see where you are coming from with ome of the things you said. If someone else had presented me with a similar piece to this I most likely would have been left with a bad taste in my mouth, and not in a good way. It is a rather offensive piece, so I do understand your displeasure.

Although, I will be honest, tact and reprieve wasn't what I was going for with this piece.
And with your last statement, did you mean that 'this could be writen better' or that 'I could have gone about things a lot better' (i.e. use tact and reprieve with 'scorn' and 'self-indulgence'?)

Thanks a lot for reading, though - I still appreciate it
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 7, 2011,
#4
I'd say that it could have been written better, but on the other hand, that's just because I felt it was self indulgent...and if that was what you were going for (like you said, without tact or reprieve) you did a great job. And the content is, honestly, very good.

I do feel like I was maybe too harsh, though.
#5
This is really well done. Harsh, yes, but I did not find it obnoxious in the least. It creates a reality, that seems so dim, but I found none of this mocking, and it did not leave a bad taste for me.

The images are very real laid out as they are.

"The terraced house-
stationed in the 'mother land'-
is your burial ground."

Thats my favorite line. You have a great command of the language, and I applaud you for it.
This leaves me with a few questions that I will not ask, I will just re-read, and re-read, and form my own conclusions.

Thanks for the crit on mine.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#6
This was a really great read. Having read it a few times, I can say I really like the word choice; "repugnant specter", "virtual corner", irrational compromise of devotion".
As the guy above me said, the imagery is very well done, and my favorite part of this had to be the 7th (?) stanza (the one starting with "I am aware that you are man -")
Overall, I really liked reading through this.

Oh and thanks for the crit on mine
#7
I agree with punkforlife in saying this does have a rather harsh, mocking tone, but I feel like it really makes the piece unique and clever. This would have been rather generic if you'd toned down the attitude of the narration, but you went for it and it's a fantastic read. I'd definitely encourage you to always take an angle or attitude to heart like this because it really makes pieces like this come alive.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#8
Thank you very much for reading guys I am so glad that this didn't leave a bad taste in your mouths.

Remus, I feel that I will experiment more with this stance of writing.
#9
Okay, well, harsh tones aside, I have to agree with punkforlife in that I didn't much care for the voice of this piece. That being said, it was written in second person - which I find impressive - and it wasn't grating the entire time, but it sort of built up over the course of this poem into a general distaste for the narrator.
On the other hand, though, for being an arrogant, obnoxious, self righteous person that I did not care for, the narrator was very well spoken.
The first few stanzas, up until the 'Ha. I am not a Christian...' line, had very good imagery, and overall the flow in this piece was wonderful. Some of your word choices were a bit lazy, like in this entire stanza:
'Say goodbye
to your dreams
(and whatever else you believe in.)
Don’t waste your time with progress,
you would only be hurting yourself.'

I felt that that could've been worded better, but other than that, I really enjoyed it =)
Nice job, it was a different read