and with every gasp in me
from the bottom of the stairs
I bare a starving body
matter well aware

give to you my keeper
take from thee with glee
fair is fair in heaven
a promise we won't keep

i hung you in the dark three times
when nights awake grew stale
hope you don't hold grudges
the dying dropped my sails

now I stand the Captain
of the S.S. Everywhere
shadow cast behind me
and a high note on the air
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Can't tell if you're talking about a romantic relationship or some conflict with authority but they're good lyrics.

I'm not too crazy about the line "take from thee with glee" only because it comes across as sounding too formal, Fireside Poetic-like. Just replace thee with you; you lose the rhyming aspect but the rhythm stays the same and it sounds less awkward.

The stanza "i hung you in the dark three times/when nights awake...." is a really killer stanza because of the ending line, "the dying dropped my sails." That's some powerful imagery right there, nice job.

The last stanza of your piece is great because it ties everything back into the ocean/sea/water metaphor you have going on. I'd love to hear it put to music.


Care to look at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1428055
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society

didn't imagine it as a song, just a rhymey poem. thanks for the crit

it's about my relationship with myself ( or god). i'm my own authority figure
I want Super Saiyan abilities