#1
"Walk out away from the light
back towards that ungodly grease shackled hole
from which you stemmed
Somewhere off where I can't smell your disease

But while you're there, feeling shunned
See if you can spot any seeds
you know the ones that flower up
into something graceful
that polkas in the sunlit breeze
And everybody says 'Oooh and Aaah'

Well they're all goddamn idiots
But gaze upon the ground
And if any haven't been eaten up by those beastly insults to man
Then damnit, fill up thy floppity paws

Plant 'em, grow 'em
Labor endlessly in broiler heat
'til that black dirt bleeds out your knuckles

And when they bloom
toss 'em this way
but stand fast there guy
and lean not my direction

I don't want your stale kraut aroma
plaguing my handrolled erection."



Throw some words at this, and I'll be glad to get you back,
though it'll probably be:

I like this
or
I don't know what you are talking about

thanks for reading, peace
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
Last edited by Toadvine at Apr 5, 2011,
#2
Your ue of full-stops really hindered th flow of this piece, ESPECIALLY stanza three. That was the first thing that struck me. The second line, of the first stanza, read quite awkwardly. A period is most likely needed somewhere between that line. I also didn't like how thi ended wih a full-stop, because the line that followed it didn't read like a complete clause.

In fact, this piece is littered with this problem. It is something I would definitely advice to look out for.
"but stand fast there guy," 'guy' should be 'guys'.

As a whole, this piece jumps from one image to another without any cohesion; this made the piece to lack focus and intent.

Keep writing, and thank you for critiquing mine.
#3
Thanks a bunch for the crit.

I cleaned this up a lot, and it looks much better. Still doesn't make much sense for anyone but me, so without saying too much, I'll say:

This is for a former employer of mine, who I worked for, for three years, and he never used my name, just said, "do this guy, do that there guy."

So in short 'guy', is supposed to be 'guy'.

Thanks.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."