#1
CRIT4CRIT

Her Daily Male

So this is the life
That you have chose to lead
There’s no turning back
The mortgage is agreed
How am I supposed to get to you?
You’re stuck at the top
The tops for the fools

Surely you knew
Just how readily
We’d fall at your feet
Surely you’ll see
How easily
We’d fall…

The things I’ve learnt
And the things that I’ve earned
They’re far away and far removed
The books I’ve read
With the things that you’ve said
They mean nothing and have no use
Here

I’ve spared you the time
Now spare me the talk
I’ve got no interest
In the path you walk
But now I’m supposed to
Give myself to you?
Sorry that I’ve got spine
Something you never knew

If you’ve got to go
Then you’ve got to go
But don’t tell me
I don’t want to know
I’ve become so neglectful
I’ll try to make this quick

If you want to be
Who you want to be
Don’t show me
I don’t want to see
I’ll try to be respectful
But girl I’ve become so sick.
#2
Well I've read worse.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Last edited by treborillusion at Apr 4, 2011,
#4
Quote by punkforlife93
Not a fan on first read...just real quick, before I make a full crit, is this supposed to be a song? It might change what I say quite a bit.
I agree, burn!
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
#5
Yerr, it is a song. Its just one of those things you have trouble finding order, then you start panicking and write a few hackneyed lines. See, thats why I put W.I.P because it is a work in progress, and I asked for criticism because the idea of the song I like and theres a few talented people on this forum that may be able to improve it or give me a few pointers. Seems prety fair to me!
#6
Yep, I'll be back to give criticism tomorrow when I'm not tired. Ignore the other guy if he doesn't want to help out, it's all good.


EDIT: Ah, screw it, I'm all hopped up on coffee anyways. Might as well pull an all-nighter. I've got to say, though, what you said in the other thread was pretty shitty, and it didn't help my opinion of this piece...especially in regards to constructive criticism. But whatevs, I'll bite.

I'd say that it starts off well, because the first line break is good, but I've really grown to dislike rhyming over the years. Also, it's "chosen," I believe, though I could be wrong. Singing it in my head helps it significantly, though. It's pretty solid as a stanza, but the last line is...bad. Reword that somehow, if you can.

Next stanza is eh, no punch to it, but it's not bad I suppose.

After that...ugh, make it learned, not learnt. It just reads better. Especially when you're rhyming it with earned...though it doesn't really make sense. Learned and earned don't go together much, except in that they rhyme because they're one letter off from each other.

As the song continues, I'm never actually reeled in, I don't much care about the character. There's nothing specific to relate to. There's all this generalization and empty phrasing, but no real content in it besides "girl, I don't agree with you." Not to mention, some stanzas just don't fit - like the books one. It doesn't make sense in context with the rest of the piece. And you keep contradicting yourself...you speak as if you're the one person, but it's "we" falling at her feet, you don't want to know she's going but you're sick of her and want her to go...it could be what you're aiming for, but it comes across very unnaturally and clumsy to me.

Sorry mate. I mean, I can see what you're trying to say, and I can see it making a decent-ish song, but it's not my cup of tea. Lots to work on.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Apr 5, 2011,
#7
Ha, cheers dude I'll look forward to it. The other guy only said that because I commented on one of his pieces? Hmmmm... ANd he commented on me in almost exactly the same manner.
I don't get this site.
There seems to be a certain level of politics everywhere you go, but thats probably the same with most sites.
#9
Nope not harsh, you're right! Thank you very much man. It IS very muddled, and its certainly not anywhere near the best I've done but I don't post songs I've written solely for praise, I put up songs I've written good AND bad... For the criticism. So again, thanks dude.

And as for what I said in the other thread... I'm new here. It was a bit young of me!