#1
When I first saw you
I couldn't ever look away
Every single thing about you
took my breath away

Every day I dream of us
Together
I know that my love for you
Will last and last forever

So take a chance and see
Maybe you and I were meant to be
Will you even try to discover
If we will end up loving one another

My head is spinning, thinking of you
All of it is real
Now I know it's time to show you
How I truly feel

I turn and ask politely
What you're thinking
You respond with just a glance
I feel my heart is sinking

So take a chance and see
Maybe you and I were meant to be
Will you even try to discover
If we will end up loving one another


That's what I have so far. It's a song and you can obviously tell what the chorus is. I'm trying to tell a story of a person loving someone without them knowing in hopes that they love them too.

Also, I purposely left out any type of gender indicators so that the song keeps its meaning whether or not a woman or man is listening.

Thank you!
PRS SE Custom 22
Peavey Vypyr 30


"When you look into the eyes of a man grown old,
wonder about the secrets gone untold.

When you look into the eyes of a young child,
marvel at the innocence running wild."
Last edited by Scopic at Apr 5, 2011,
#2
I like it man the only thing is that ur rhyme scheme isnt constant u need to keep it in that abab cdcd format if that makes sense tyou if not just reply to this and ill try to elaborate further
#3
Kinda cliche and sappy. Sorry to be harsh, but love songs have been done for thousands of years and yours isn't really very original. Maybe pull in a story of when you met or talk about her. Tell what makes this person so special. Just work on it a bit more. Sorry for the downer there.
#4
Quote by GuitarThoughts
Kinda cliche and sappy. Sorry to be harsh, but love songs have been done for thousands of years and yours isn't really very original. Maybe pull in a story of when you met or talk about her. Tell what makes this person so special. Just work on it a bit more. Sorry for the downer there.


Lol, no problem.

I was even thinking the same thing. The song first started with a melancholy guitar riff and, for some reason, I have trouble writing anything but love songs when it comes to the "sad" stuff. (For example, I have a "heavy" metally song in the works that would not work at all with "love" lyrics and I haven't been able to write one line yet. It's like a curse, lmao)

As for the rhyme scheme, I wanted to try to make it a little different than just the same old abab cdcd deal, but I can see where you're coming from.
PRS SE Custom 22
Peavey Vypyr 30


"When you look into the eyes of a man grown old,
wonder about the secrets gone untold.

When you look into the eyes of a young child,
marvel at the innocence running wild."