#1
So, I haven't posted on here in forever, not sure if anyone who remembers me is still around, but I have a new piece I'd like some feedback on. Leave a link if you want a crit back. Thankssssss.


Paper Tongues

I watch you rubberneck
I'm a nervous wreck

and I know what you know
you think you've got me figured out
but you don't
I'm not Pacino or Madonna
and I don't wanna make a scene

the violins inside me sound I'm taking
drugs to bring the swelling down
my heartstrings play their four-part harmony

it seems I'm fated to bated breath
and coffee rings that link each other
spilling "this
is what we share together"

reminds me of that night we drenched
our paper tongues in wine
sometimes dirty words
are the only ones that rhyme

we’ll meet again and you can bet
I'll still be racing red lights
I'll still be spending long nights
with a flashlight and a black eye
keeping my fists tight trying
to pick fights with my pride

so I'll keep spinning like an undiscovered
planet in a distant world until I'm dizzy
or I just can't stand it I will twist and twirl
empty like the arms of god
I will be mistaken for a star
have you ever changed yourself
just to be loved for who you are?
Last edited by Ad*Astra at Apr 7, 2011,
#2
this is quality. really enjoyed it.

"bring the swelling down" felt awkward but i'd have to hear it sung.
pacino and madonna is an odd pair but it works
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#3
Wow really well done man, this is great. I've got no complaints. Would love to hear this pu to music. What's the genre?
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
Thanks guys. I actually do have guitar written for this, not sure how to classify it. Sort of sounds slow and airy though.
#5
Quote by Ad*Astra

Paper Tongues

If I'm honest man there was so much about this I liked, I loved the language the tone and the pace, at times the line spacing was a little awkward, but since this is a song, it is easily overlooked.

The only 2 parts I didn't really like were these:


I watch you rubberneck
I'm a nervous wreck

For an opening line I just wasn't sure this worked, it comes across very jeauvanile, "I/I'm" didn't really work for me, I don't know, it didn't really draw me in like the rest of the piece did.

so I'll keep spinning like an undiscovered
planet in a distant world until I'm dizzy
or I just can't stand it I will twist and twirl

This didn't seem as coherent or as well thought out as the other stanzas, it was almost like you were rushing to end the piece, it's a little bit wordy for me, hypocritical I realise, but you get what I mean. The majority of the above is aimed at the last line.

Other than that man, this was a really well crafted piece, I really enjoyed the read.


I've got a piece floating around if you wouldn't mind.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Have you ever changed yourself, just to be loved for who you are?

! This is doubleplusgood man...
#7
^^^ QFT. This was epic, I loved it start to finish and would be really interested in hearing a recording of it... awesome job, keep em coming
#8
Except for some grammatical errors and forced rhyme in places, I thought this was fantastic. There are a lot of great lines here.

"Sometimes dirty words are the only ones that rhyme."

That was fantastic. So were the last two.

I believe I remember enjoying your stuff back in the day, but it's been ages. Post more.
Poor advice.
#9
I've got two pieces from a 3 parter floating around if you'd like to gander at them.
Poor advice.
#10
Thanks for the praise, guys.

stellar, I'll definitely get around to your stuff when I get a chance, promise. I'm just completely swamped the next week or so (apparently, trying to graduate is eating up a lot of my free time), and I want to give it a proper read.