#1
I'm never gonna be someone like you
The devil has his eyes but he doesn't see
Holding his knife, climbing on my tree

I've never been, I've never seen I've never killed your friends
I've never seen, I've never been, I'll never think again


He has climbed on the tree, he has taken over me.


What do you think, it's too short, missing something? Feel free to add lyrics and change the song organization and order.

Thanks in advance
Hi how are you?
Last edited by 54Thiago at Apr 7, 2011,
#2
Hmm, yes I would say that this is too short, and is missing someting. It can be short, but it has to go somewhere.

I would suggest that you either pick, using 'you' or the 'he' 'him' and 'his', because it feels like the narrator is switching angles for no apparent reason. Even if this were done though, I can't make heads or tails of what is happening.

It reads somewhat of a straight up possesion song, but I don't know. It's all very confusing and limited. I suggest you step away from the writer, and look at this as a reader, because I don't get it. If I knew where you were going, I might have more in the way of suggestions, so sorry. But keep it, and try and clean it up a bit.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."