#1
I poured opulence into your ear,
struck pure with a silver hammer.
Though some were but meager alloys
attempting to fill your vision
with gold.
I've done this
for four hell-bent years now.
You were two sheets to the wind,
cursing your father's name.
I'd fallen far from the nest,
and we kept many secrets from
each other, hoarding our filthy coal
and hoping to shit diamonds.


I have nursed my wounds,
as I have nursed yours,
my young feelings still meek
and tender and easily
crushed.
Picked eggshell blue from the back
of your beaten cars, hand-me-downs
from southern gents.
Sometimes you help to mend a bone
with needle and drawn thread.
Could I fly on condolences and empty promises?
I doubt that you will always be there to
share the spinning, and I will
be left to fill that room
with gold alone.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Apr 7, 2011,
#4
I must admit that caught me unawares, its a strong piece. You seemlessly carry themes throughout, word associations and such. It packs a punch for sure.

Perhaps for the sack of flow I'd try to intergrate this part a little more:

You--two sheets to the wind,
cursing your father's name.
Me--fallen far from the nest
and we kept many secrets from
each other

The pauses you've created with "me and you" don't seem to fit with the piece as a whole, it stops the imagery and for me at least gives us time to breath and reflect on what you're saying when in reality the piece is a full-on onslaught and you shouldn't give the reader a chance to stop, just keep hitting them into submission.

Fittingly the only other part that didn't work for me was:

Picked eggshell blue from the back
of your beaten cars, hand-me-downs
from southern gents.

You distracted the audience here by mentioning 'southern gents' straight away I paused and went on a slight tangent to further consider the southern gents, lost my reading pace and had to find where I was again. I'd omit just 'southern gents' and bring in a word or two that requires little thought, an inconsequential one like "other people" or "family friends" both of which require no additional thought once read.

I wasn't 100% sure about spinning either, but unless you see a problem with the diction it works.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Wow, thank you! I wasn't expecting this at all. My first UG commendation.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.