#1
I come to the realization that it's all subliminal
and yeah, I know it's sublime and all
but don't you ever get the feeling that you're standing before the fall?

We're just puppets upon a universal stage.
The planets, the plants, the people are all just writing on a page.
We've written our own coffin; we've constructed our own cage.

Now it's just a matter of trying to stay sane;
shiftlessly shuffling through an existence so plain,
so lifeless that even the tiles on the floor can no longer feign

or foster some kind of pride for these imposters of living beings,
because living beings are the last thing they think they are seeing.
It seems a lot more to them that we are just automatons barely breathing,

barely keeping it together long enough to fill up a few lines
of ryhmes and near-rhymes, just trying to fill up the time
to avoid this thing that is: Lord, give us this day our daily grind.
#3
Before I critique, can I just question We've written our own coffin that just seems illogical to me, maybe say eulogy instead? What do you think?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
I know where you're coming from, friend. The coffin isn't physical, it's a mental/emotional/philosophical coffin.
#5
Yeah fair play, I should have seen that in a way, but it's been a while

personally the first time I stopped and thought hmm this isn't working was here:

Now it's just a matter of trying to stay sane;
shiftlessly shuffling through an existence so plain,
so lifeless that even the tiles on the floor can no longer feign

This felt forced, like you'd started with the rhyme, which I have no issue with at all, and had to continue, "stay sane" sounds clumsy. Also the sibilance here is a little too much, it becomes hard to get out when reading it aloud.

This is also the first stanza to continue into the next, is that intentional? As the previous 2 were their own stanzas, they stood alone, that felt awkward for me, to have to stop skip a line and then have the piece continue. If you want to keep it this way, **** the space and join the stanzas together.

"because living beings are the last thing they think they are seeing.
It seems a lot more to them that we are just automatons barely breathing,"

Hmm this seems needlessly wordy...them that they we...it's like a game of objective, adjective orrrrrrr adverb!

Then miraculously you seem to find your feet again in the last stanza, dropping the immiediate rhymes was well timed and effective. I like this, it shows good potential...

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Thanks for the full and honest critique, man.

The third and fourth stanzas were the hardest to fit the rhyme scheme into. I knew what words I wanted to finish with, and also what the point of the lines needed to be, but the actual meat and potatoes of the lines was hard for me to produce. I used the reference to tiles because tiles are possibly the most dull thing I can think of. They're hard, cold pieces of flooring. That's boring. 'stay sane' felt clumsy, I agree. Got any suggestions for that? The last word still has got to be 'sane' though. The point of the stanza is that the existence of the modern man is just so boring that it's enough to go insane, boring enough to warrant a comparison to being an automaton. The sibilance was on purpose, it's supposed to trip the reader up. It doesn't really have all that much relevance to the poem though, so I may reword that later.

The section that you pointed out is wordy. It's kind of like the sibilance thing, it's supposed to be wordy and kind of off sounding, but it doesn't have much relevance to the meaning of the poem. I'll also most likely reword that section as well.

The third and fourth stanzas weren't meant to continue into eachother like they did, but the idea wasn't done being expressed, so i had to. I wanted to join them, but that kind of deviates from the contained rhyme scheme that I had going. I'm most likely going to bring them together though, as that seems like the lesser of two evils.

Anyways, thanks a lot for the crit. You've given me something to think about. I think that this piece might end up being really great once I'm done editting it. Thanks, man.