#1
This will take a couple of reads, i'm sure.

I wrote this not long after I fucked off.

This has had a major overhaul now and the internal poem has been altered too.

[B][size="4"]Juxta/posed[/SIZE]
[/B]

[size="2"][I]I am entwined
with every visit of
languid calculated
glances,
I give berth to a
Juxta [color="Blue"]position[color="Blue"]Your[/COLOR] equivocal
afflictions inflections
leave [color="Blue"]lips[/COLOR]
listless, glistening,
leaning on vapid air
[color="Blue"]near[/COLOR] to
insolence. perfection.
[color="Blue"]Mine[/COLOR] falter, for from the
anecdotal twists of tied tongues us
minions mortals
bestow whet [color="Blue"]and[/COLOR] intrigue.
[color="Blue"]I[/COLOR] become temporal,
a singularity
with duelling [color="Blue"]will[/COLOR],
conceited, [color="Blue"]accept[/COLOR]ing the
presence of a
wh[I]o[/I]re. seraph.
[color="Blue"]Any[/COLOR]
slaughter surrender
would be whole,
without a fraying seam
or routing [color="Blue"]soul[/COLOR]
and we’d be
unbound tethered
[color="Blue"]forever[/COLOR].
[color="Blue"].[/I][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][/CENTER]
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Apr 11, 2011,
#2
Simply beautiful, both times I read it. The / are great examples of how word choice is important, and how it can shift the entire atmosphere and meaning of a piece. I'm no writer, so I can't really tell you what's wrong with it. All I know is I really loved it.

c4c? I'd appreciate some feedback from someone who can write like you https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1429790
#3
Quite excellent, although the way it was written out seemed to counteract the way it should be read, Not really a defect just something I'm being picky about.

I like the idea of the interchangeable words, good to see how a few choice word changes alter the mood and meaning of this piece. Writing was good, nice choice of words. Although the highlighted words seem to form a sentence that doesn't read well"

"Position your lips near to mine and I will surrender forever".

I think taking out the word "to" would make it read easier, other than that a pretty interesting piece. Care to check out mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1430751
Lascaille's Shroud

Progressive Cosmic Death Metal



Facebook
YouTube
Soundcloud

You only exist because we allow it,
And you will end because we demand it.
#4
This is a very cool piece. Even though I don't nesessarily like having the option, to view this piece two different ways, I find the idea rather intriguing. I just happen to have the attention span of a house fly, and this is a somewhat complicated piece. I almost would rather have it completely written as two seperate pieces, but I suppose that kind of defeats the whole purpose.

Personally I enjoyed the second reading, or the second choice of words much more. I suppose it's the lighter tone. There are just some incredibly great images, and thoughts here, not only that, but I think it is written slightly better.

I think that 'seem' should be 'seam', other than that this is brilliant, and quite above my pay grade I'm afraid.

Well done and thank you for reviewing my piece. I sincerely appreciate it. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
Last edited by Toadvine at Apr 11, 2011,
#5
I like the idea of juxtaposing two separate thoughts next each other, but to be honest I found it very difficult to not read the second word. Maybe that's not a problem for many people, but I think if this were my piece I would consider reworking the structure so that A: it's more obvious that the two should be read separately without you having to state it, and B: it's easier to take each word in on its own. For example, maybe you could center the poem and have one word off to the right and one to the left for each pair? Just a thought.

I like the way that the juxtaposed words not only alter the meaning, but also the assonance and tone. When I'm writing I often use slashes for word choice in drafts, and having to choose one over the other changes the emphasis of certain rhymes. It's interesting how you neglected to choose and let these difference alter the poem itself.

I find it interesting that of all of the blue words (arguably the most important words), only one is "juxtaposed" in the piece. Also, I wonder if there is any significance of the (juxta)position of these words within the piece entirely. Maybe there is, but I didn't see it. I just feel that in a piece where positioning is so tied in to the meaning, these blue words should speak to that in some way.

I can't think of much else to comment on besides the "for from the" line. It was very awkward to read and sort of tripped up the flow. Maybe consider rewording that?

Overall this was a nice read, I really liked it.
#6
Cheers a lot guys I am going to utterly overhaul the form of this piece when I get in, I did overlook the structure for sure, I was caught up on the idea of having the interchangable words, check back and I hope it'll be a little easier to read, it was something I was worried about.

Yeah I did ponder removing 'to' from the internal poem, and left it in the end, but I will remove it in the edit.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.