#1
I just wrote these to a song I had kicking around for a while, C4C of course.

V1:
With this I promise you
More than I can grasp
It’s been done and undone
This is the last
Unwritten law binds
The truth we seal
If we lay down our hearts
(It might just reveal)
What we knew all along

V2:
Searching for purpose
Something I won’t find
In your final days
Mark these times
The world is worthless
Through wandering eyes
To seek what’s been lost
(But still haunts)
The back of my mind

V3:
With no need to beg
And no reason to live
Something profound
Finds its way in
Hope for the worst
The best is yet to come
In your final hours
(You’ll find love)
Ahh! [Some scream here]

Chorus:
Now we can
Get out, get out, get out
Get out, get out, get out
I want out right now
[This chorus has a heavy emphasis on the melody and energy, not so much the words]

Any crit is very much appreciated, and any title suggestions are very welcome. A couple of working titles I've come up with are "Le monde dans son visage", "Nous allons tous les mort Budhu". and "The Threat of Morning", but I'm unsure of them. Thanks in advance
Last edited by IommiPage at Apr 8, 2011,
#2
In places this seemed a bit juvenile with the rhyming, in other places it worked well. There are definitely cliches in there, too. For example, 'With this I promise you,' 'And no reason to live,' 'The best is yet to come,' 'In your final hours,' '(You’ll find love).' With stuff like that, it just isn't potent. You've got to find your way of saying it, and it has to be completely sincere. Say it as if it's something no one has said before. At any rate, the concept is a good one.

Thanks for critiquing my piece! I hope I've left you with some useful tips. Songs in this format usually don't get much love here, unfortunately.
We're only strays.