#1
"Once I had mountains in the palm of my hand."


the cold comes
the creek-stone hearth vacant
sequestred, cowering in the shadows
splintered window shards
bridge tiny canyons in the tile

and i can see that beacon blaze
beyond the wild cypress and locust thorns
yet i waver, encumbered
and unshod




just a short one
words for words as usual

good night
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
Last edited by Toadvine at Apr 13, 2011,
#2
This just reads and behaves like something much bigger, it's very very compact, even for me, I have a very similar style (2 years ago I posted a lot here...) and it kind of kills itself in its intricacy, especially the second line. I do like what I read but I wished it was a little more expansive, the idea is there and clearly you're capable.

Then the last 2 lines descended into nowhere, there's no intricacy and although the idea is there again, it felt too different to the rest. I like the isolation of the lines matching the content, but if all of this was on a grander scale you could still achieve the same feeling.

I'll be reading more for sure.

If you've got a minute I've got a piece floating around on the first couple.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
A lot of nature in it, not usually my taste though I have referenced it once or twice myself, I thought this was very poetic, so therefore, good.
Last edited by treborillusion at Apr 10, 2011,
#4
Heyo, you helped out on my piece, so I figured I'd drop in here

I really liked the word 'sequestered', that really jumped out at me. When you take how well that word flows, and match it with the alliteration with the second line, I thought it was a really good decision.

I loved the last lines, they seemed simple, but I was immediately struck with the gravity of them.

I wondered where the the's and that's went after the first two lines, that seemed sort of inconsistent, but you may have meant something by it that I'm missing.

All in all, I enjoyed it. The length was good, I would've liked to see it longer, just for there to be more to read, but the length fits it well
#5
This was a bit too dense for its own good. A lot of you intentions and imagery didn't resonate as well as they should, I believe. I do applaud you for how you have, so far, set up the scene and atmosphere of the piece. I also agree with what has been said above.
#6
Thanks for the crit folks.

I was trying to write as much as I could, with as few words as possible, and basically I failed at getting all of my thoughts across. So I did a complete overhaul on the second stanza which seems closer and more poetic, but I do miss the simplicity of the other version.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."