#1
My heart lies
mind's up
in the sky
I don't know
what I want
but I don't
try

Apathy is bliss
miss
give me a kiss
tonight
I wrote this song
but right now
you're my type

Living in the club
for ****ing
it's a god damn waste
of time
last time I went
got started on
by two ****ing guys
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
#3
how about if I add the word ****ing in verse one before the word try

... but I don't
****ing try

and again in verse two before the word type, and have it as

... but right now you're my
****ing type

Could that work? I mean, that's how I would sing it, but, it'll be a natural adlib to something I wanted to build suspense to.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Last edited by treborillusion at Apr 10, 2011,
#5
It's like, rhetorical swearing, for the first two verses, because I didn't want to swear a lot, but, if it needs it, it needs it, thanks for the crit.

My heart lies
mind's up
in the sky
I don't know
what I want
but I don't
****ing try

Apathy is bliss
miss
give me a kiss
tonight
I wrote this song
but right now you're my
****ing type

Living in the club
for ****ing
it's a god damn waste
of time
last time I went
got started on
by two ****ing guys
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Last edited by treborillusion at Apr 10, 2011,
#6
The swearing extends the line so it flows better, but you should probably use other words instead of fuck all the time. Swearing adds emphasis, but if overused it sounds like the author is trying to be edgy and has a limited vocabulary.

Besides that, the start of the second stanza isn't great, the rhymes are all kind of forced, and overdone. Overall, I liked it quite a bit.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1429790
#7
Here's a thought.

I don't know
what I want
but I don't
****ing try

Tonight
I wrote this song
but right now
you're my ****ing type

Living in the club for ****ing
it's a god damn waste of time
the last time I went I got
started on by two ****ing guys
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Last edited by treborillusion at Apr 12, 2011,