#1
in revisitations-

eulogies of
former loves
spoken from purist podiums
before a deafening choir

and every dry eye in the house
is rubbed red and raw,
as little mirrors drip from kneeling pupils
scraped upon the pulpit
as we stood for ourselves-

we will each line up and cross our chests,
in thorned rosary, Sunday second/best
each of our straightened old ties,
patterns of wallflowers pressed to the paper

and we will be lead along
escaped in our own convictions
by invisible silver threads, loosened with each passing
as we pass by the case in point,

(open and shut as it were)

to gaze upon such a grave face,
dolled up to preserve a certain memory,
drowned in black/white or sepia,
buried in blinding flash-backs left on

but these memories never had such perfect posture
their necks snapped or craned,
their backs sore from bending over
fingers chapped, hands broken from holding

(praying on the week)

and insides filled with that indelible liquid
stuffed and laced as I would recall

we had laid as still at some time before,
but the spirits that had be downed here once
have drifted to ethereal mist now
and will cloud another’s mind,
will rain and drench another’s summer clothes
forever running to get home-

in revisitations we will remember
that as far as I can remember
we were never alone.
Last edited by Sticky Tissues at Apr 11, 2011,
#3
Quote by rd93
I think this goes on a little too long. Maybe I just have a really bad attention span, but your descriptive style doesn't work as well when it's so long. Perhaps all it needs is to be split into separate stanzas. Writing-wise, however, this was solid as usual.


I'm going to separate it into stanzas- please let me know what you think. I'm still kind-of tied up in my old ways writing wise, where I used to write a whole page, that was my minimum and this one meandered a bit. however I'd argue those parts can't be trimmed out, its just the way it worked. but yeah, I'll separate it up. let me know what you think. link me one of yours to read as well.
#4
I don't think you should end those two stanzas with parentheses (not including the first line, I would say combine the 4th and 5th, and 6th and 7th stanzas), but either way it's still great. Like I said, I just feel that it would be more effective if it wasn't a wall of text, so any way that you break it up is fine with me.

You can look at the one in my sig if you like, the haiku meant a lot more to me but you already read that
#5
The diction here was beautiful and I really enjoyed reading this, but I felt like it could have been a little more concise. This is not so much a criticism of the writing, which was fantastic, as my feeling that the idea was dragged out a bit. That being said, I looked over this to try and find a couple lines that you could do without and couldn't really find any, so I'm stumped as to how to improve this. I think it's just really good and I have a short attention span . Great writing, as always.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."