#1
elated by spring, I picked all the flowers
as hours passed, they tumbled and faded
and every hue was not as vibrant
and every touch was not as supple
and every breath was not as soulful -
where they once etched words on the back of my neck
in whispers of passion, in goosebumps allure
they now pitter off as nothings
wilted in some mush of mutters
like a soggy man of yesterday -
you speak and soon I'll turn away...


and in my house of dried up blossoms
withered petals, rotting stems
I sighed and came to realize
they looked much better on the branch.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Maybe it's me, but I have never cared for nature imagery. I mean, there's a time and a place, but I can't focus my brain long enough on surface descriptions of flowers and trees and foliage and such. It's evident in what I write that I'm attracted to darker thoughts, and I think that with nature imagery there's a world of thought that's never tapped on. I get the piece and the correlation but my head can't relate to pieces like this. It's written masterfully and flows effortlessly. Thematically, I hit a road block with pieces like this.


I'm sorry. I have to pieces in a 3 parter floating around if you'd be interested.
Poor advice.
#4
You really managed to use imagery to convey an idea rather than just for the sake of itself (something I still struggle with). I definitely felt like I could connect to that idea (or at least my interpretation of it) and I loved the way the piece developed. Honestly can't find any criticism to impart here, well done.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
Agreed with uncle remus, I liked the fact that you combined the imagery and the theme into a profound movie that played in my head as I read it. In all honesty, I can't find very much wrong with this piece, the flow is great, as well as the word choices. I especially liked the 'goosebumps allure' part, that just sounded amazing when i read it to myself
#6
Beautiful phrasing, saadia. "goosebumps allure", "soggy man of yesterday", pittering "nothings". Great stuff.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I was genuinely surprised when i saw it was you who'd written this. It's completely different to what i've come to expect from you and that's great. It seems like you've really crafted this one, like you've spent time with it. There's alot of value in that. Even though the picking flowers/better on the tree idea is a tad hackneyed i almost liked it. It had a feeling of inevitability about it which is under utilised in alot of poetry. No criticism. A+
#8
Nicely done. Death, time, the passing of beauty. Lovely subject matter and a consistent use of metaphor. Though I do agree with spitonastranger about it being a little cliche, it's still a very expertly executed piece.

The "etched words" you reference leads me to believe you are likening your flowers to poetic inspiration, in a romantic sensiblity. I'd like to see that thought appear more than once in this piece, to extend that metaphor a bit more.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#9
****ing love it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
mmm, dis i like

i agree w/stellar_legs. i cant personally think outside of things beyond my life and school and am way too selfish to care about nature despite me being a vegie. all in all, a very nice melancholy musical
(>^_^)>#
#13
Really enjoyed this. Loved the repetition of 'and', love that style. The imagery is great. "Goose bumps allure" - great line.

Great piece.
#15
I forgot to tell you guys earlier, but thank you so much. it's been hard to write lately and your encouragement goes miles. thanks for helping me grow. life is weird sometimes.

I'll get back to your pieces, hopefully doing some snooping via profiles once these exams are done.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja