#1
C4C

We wander around blissful
In the daylight.
We are surrounded with truths
And choose them to be false.
It only takes the fortunate few
To test the trends
And make a change in our truths.
But just imagine,
All the worlds we could conquer
If it was not just the fortunate few.
What if we all sought the truth?
What if we, the human race, really sought
True knowledge?
Oh how divine we would be.

But now divinity lays only in the hands
Of the fortunate few.
#2
I like the message behind this man! If I've interpreted it correctly, then I write about the same sort of things.
Although, whilst I appreciate the bittersweet "Theres nothing we can do except acknowledge and get on with it" vibe, I prefer the more aggressive "**** you we'll slaughter your dogs!" sort of them against the Wasteful Privileged...

If you don't mind, could you read something of mine and tell me what you think? Its vaguely running the same sort of tracks as this, but its a song.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1427136

I'm not sure how else to put a link to it so I'm doing it the only way I know how!
#3
Crit harshly, you say? Okay, here goes..

Quote by 21wickwing
C4C

We wander around blissful
In the daylight.
We are surrounded with truths
And choose them to be false.
It only takes the fortunate few
To test the trends
And make a change in our truths.
But just imagine,
All the worlds we could conquer
If it was not just the fortunate few.
What if we all sought the truth?
What if we, the human race, really sought
True knowledge?
Oh how divine we would be.

But now divinity lays only in the hands
Of the fortunate few.


I feel considering the concept, the search for the divine through the acquisition of knowledge, the syntax could reflect better that divinity if it had a more carefully tended musicality, a more "poetic" approach. Consider internal rhyme, sibilance and assonance. I would also consider, rather than addressing the monologue as a simple didactic speech, building some imagery to represent this search. You begin with something like metaphor, but degenerate into polemic. I think the whole opening, if left solely to a vague description of some image of pantheistic beauty as a symbol for the search for truth, could be much more effective if it then was tacked onto the more direct last few lines. This would create quite a strong dissonant contrast that would intensify the directness of the tone you already have. As is, it feels a bit weak and sentimental, a bit too wistful to be empowering, a bit too direct to be inspiring.

I found it hard to be directly critical because the piece was so short, I felt a better approach was a kind of vague synoptic crit, rather than a line-by-line affair. If that is more what you are after, I shall certainly have a crack at it, but I thought it better to just give my impressions and advice as a chunk of (admittedly rather vague) text. Hope I have been of some help.
#4
Quote by Cacophonaut
Crit harshly, you say? Okay, here goes..


I feel considering the concept, the search for the divine through the acquisition of knowledge, the syntax could reflect better that divinity if it had a more carefully tended musicality, a more "poetic" approach. Consider internal rhyme, sibilance and assonance. I would also consider, rather than addressing the monologue as a simple didactic speech, building some imagery to represent this search. You begin with something like metaphor, but degenerate into polemic. I think the whole opening, if left solely to a vague description of some image of pantheistic beauty as a symbol for the search for truth, could be much more effective if it then was tacked onto the more direct last few lines. This would create quite a strong dissonant contrast that would intensify the directness of the tone you already have. As is, it feels a bit weak and sentimental, a bit too wistful to be empowering, a bit too direct to be inspiring.

I found it hard to be directly critical because the piece was so short, I felt a better approach was a kind of vague synoptic crit, rather than a line-by-line affair. If that is more what you are after, I shall certainly have a crack at it, but I thought it better to just give my impressions and advice as a chunk of (admittedly rather vague) text. Hope I have been of some help.


Thank you. There should be more critiques like this on here. I am going back to work on this one