#1
with all the searching done
my feet will move themselves
nomads living the life of movement
but will it ever happen?

the answers come
but then they never end
and they become questions again
they fuse into one big connection
that doesn't fit

i can't live without it
i don't kow how to stop
there won't be another day
where my mind doesn't run off
in search, in hopes
of the refuse, the driftwood
the hold-over to keep me afloat
to keep my head from sinking
below the life that will drown me

and it will never stop
i'll keep searching, hoping
until i'm at my end
a search for a missing person
who will never be seen again

Posted this last week but it got closed. I violated the posting limits!
We're only strays.
#3
For a piece entirely about not knowing anything, there's not enough substance here. Let's try and make bewilderment more interesting.


As lyrics, or as poetry, you need to give your readers some strong imagery, narrative, metaphor, simile, something to latch on to that sets this piece apart from the hundreds others that get posted here about the same angsty teenage stuff. You can be an angsty teenager all you want, I was one once and there's nothing wrong with that. You just have to try harder to be original.

One easy thing to focus on is your verbs and nouns. You use life/live about four times in this piece. Try some synonyms. Find another way to rephrase that thought. If you have powerful verbs, unlike drowning (which has been used in every bad alternative song to date), you'll grab our attention better.

Be specific. Show me, don't tell me that:

the answers come
but then they never end
and they become questions again
they fuse into one big connection
that doesn't fit


What answers, what questions? What are you even thinking about other than "life is hard"?
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#4
Ouch. First off, I definitely respect your writing on here and I've read your reply about five times. I'm going to be posting a revised version of this for sure.

That being said, in my defense I honestly think you maybe didn't give it much of a chance. Again, I think it needs a lot of work after reading your critique, but to call it teenage angst really gets to me, to be frank! I was attempting to articulate what I think is at the center of the human condition - that we're linear and finite. But as you pointed out, that demands more substance (which, again, I agree with).

But most of all, thank you for reading and taking the time to write.
We're only strays.