#1
I apologize if it's not the greatest quality. It was a difficult one for me to write.

Reject me for my sins,
Follow up my pain,
Say there’s nothing more to give
And now my blood won’t stain.

Trying to find out the goddamn reason.
Cut out my heart just to stop my breathing.

No, no more breathing.
I’m not bleeding.
Take away these lies and
Make me see what’s left inside.

God, my son’s left alone,
I broke my life, my home.
Still, the smile he has can
Pull me from the death I beg.

Tired of finding a goddamn reason.
Sever the ties just to stop my breathing.

No, I’m still breathing.
Why not bleeding?
Tell me why I’m cursed to
Stay here left alive.

Won-der why I feel like
I can take this no more.
Not much left in my life,
But e-nough to reform.

Sa-cri-fice what’s left of
Doubt and de-gra-dation,
Fall to pie-ces just to
Come to re-va-lation.

My God, save me!
Bring me to life!
Save my son from
His father's weakness!
Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Wanna join me when I take my turn to pour the gas, light the match, see your world flip upside down and drop until it's inside out?
#2
Quote by Sewn Up
I apologize if it's not the greatest quality. It was a difficult one for me to write.

Reject me for my sins,
Follow up my pain,
Say there’s nothing more to give
And now my blood won’t stain.
very predictable rhyming here. i know you probably feel that was exactly what you wanted to say, but the rhyme makes it feel kind of artificial. like the words are only there to rhyme.

Trying to find out the goddamn reason.
Cut out my heart just to stop my breathing.

No, no more breathing.
I’m not bleeding.
Take away these lies and
Make me see what’s left inside.
not sure why you decided to place your line breaks this way. it probably works if this is put to music, but just going by reading it, the last line break is awkward.

God, my son’s left alone,
I broke my life, my home.
Still, the smile he has can
Pull me from the death I beg.
same thing here with the last line break. i would drop 'can' down to the last line, it flows better that way, imo.

Tired of finding a goddamn reason.
Sever the ties just to stop my breathing.

No, I’m still breathing.
Why not bleeding?
Tell me why I’m cursed to
Stay here left alive.

Won-der why I feel like
I can take this no more.
Not much left in my life,
But e-nough to reform.

Sa-cri-fice what’s left of
Doubt and de-gra-dation,
Fall to pie-ces just to
Come to re-va-lation.
pretty sure there's no need to denote the break up of syllables. especially when you aren't doing anything different than the natural pronounciation of the words. it just makes the piece look messy and unwelcoming.

My God, save me!
Bring me to life!
Save my son from
His father's weakness!
this is probably completely my preference, but exclamation points in non-prose make me cringe. and not in a good way.


so all in all, this piece is kind of underwhelming. if you rework it here and there you can improve it, but the overall subject matter is a bit boring. its been done before, and you don't present it in a way to make it new or interesting. sorry if that's harsh, but if you're going to write about a cliche subject, you should know how to make it your own, make it new.