#1
Something formidable
was violating my skin
‘til I could no longer recognise
my own face
or perceptions.
I wanted to run away
like a scolded dog
that could never intercede
for his own well-being

It was at that very moment when a donkey,
that stood beside the frozen river
that lies at the edge of my Farmhouse,
said: “He he -
you better watch yourself!
He he - don’t go there!”
I asked: “What path should I follow?”
But no answer was given
except a series of insidious groans

(like a surge of rain that never pours.)

There was no escaping the entanglement
of backwardness and closure.
‘Here’ was thirty years of innocuity
and misfired agendas
moulded within a plastic
space that lacks spontaneity
and distortion.
But the word didn't compel me, so -
much like the words spoken by the donkey -
I regarded it with indifference.

I was very much prepared to die,
raise the flag and bow to constriction.
For what it is worth, I wasn’t afraid
of the familial vows
to prey on the helpless.
I heard the voices of rage and ruin
as I mapped-out the waning labyrinth
that is my future; I was frightened
by where I have always been.
But I did not move away from the frozen river
because I was never nurtured to stride frontwards.

As always, destiny was delayed;
I was at the mercy of it all. I was
nothing more than an unfounded forest
that no longer cleans up after itself.


I am finally on my own
and I am wearing out my welcome,
like an old man that still scrounges
for a soul. Enlightenment exists ‘here’
no more. It ain’t ‘why’,
it just is.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 15, 2012,
#2
Okay, so, there is nothing bad I can say about this poem, except for the use of 'ain't'. I'm assuming that such a blatant change in voice has a meaning and I may be missing it, but it didn't work for me. Other than that, this was absolutely amazing.
Oh, and how'd you get that thing in the title? It's cool lookin'
#3
the repetition of the word 'that' in the second stanza doesn't work for me. repetition used right should create a kind of welcoming feeling, it should pull you forward, but here it tripped me up.

other than that, no complaints. beautiful piece.
#4
This started off a little slowly for me but got better and better. I really liked the donkey and river metaphor and the last two stanzas were fantastic. The subtle narrative you layered in with your theme was great; really enjoyable piece.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
"A surge of rain that never pours"

Great line, Fred!!!

I think you could benefit from finding simpler synonyms sometimes. I very much encourage the use of uncommon, and difficult words, but you run the risk of being a bit verbose at times. Sometimes it's not best to illustrate your idea with fancy words, but short, simple and to the point. I think the best writers find a way to utilize both. In particular I'm discussing the fourth and fifth stanzas. For instance, "I disregarded it with indifference." It doesn't punch.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Apr 15, 2011,
#6
I like it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by littledude65
Okay, so, there is nothing bad I can say about this poem, except for the use of 'ain't'. I'm assuming that such a blatant change in voice has a meaning and I may be missing it, but it didn't work for me. Other than that, this was absolutely amazing.
Oh, and how'd you get that thing in the title? It's cool lookin'


I always wanted the 'identity' subscript to be the title of the piece so I wikipedia'd it to find the symbol and then copy and pasted Thank you very, very much for the kind words.
Oh, and the reason for the change in voice is because the last stanza take place in present time, while the other stanzas are based on a retrospective analysis of his past.

Lisa, thank you for the comment. I see where you are coming from but the words, to me, seemed natural in the sense that they are (pretty much) the exact words I was looking for when I was also writing this. But I was conscious of utilizing short and simple words as well (especially in the last two stanzas and the second stanza.) But you do raise a good point and I will definitely take your advice into greater consideration once I start writing my next piece.

Thanks guys
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 15, 2011,
#8
AHHHH, it's Fred, I said Frank. I just realized that. I feel like an ass. I'm sorry, Fred. ^^;
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#9
A good read, I enjoyed this. It seems to have a theme similar to your last piece. It has a very clear image and thought to it.

I wasn't so much a fan of the 'He he' as used by the donkey, because I couldn't figure out if this was used as the bray that a donkey makes, or if if the donkey was actually laughing. Also that part about the molded plastic lost me a bit. I also wonder about the 'familial vows to prey on the helpless' part. It was this middle part that confused me a bit I guess, but it picks me right back up at the end. I absolutely love the last two stanzas.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#10
Repetitive, but nice.
I have felt the taste of sound.
Last edited by GypsyJive at Apr 16, 2011,
#11
This one didn't ring for me, Fred.

You know that I waiver on your lexicon quite often. Sometimes it seems to fit the mood and sometimes it seems to obscure things for the sake of eloquence. Here, I felt the latter. It seemed like there were so many places you could have said things simply... and instead I found myself reading 27 syllable words.

As always, your distinct voice is present... authoritative but not chiding, and I liked that. The flavor was there to savor... but when I finished I just felt disconnected from everything you had written. I didn't find myself jiving to your beat, but instead being berated by your beat.

I'd appreciate comments on 'Hail' in my sig if you get a chance.




EDIT: Clever title too. Well done there.