#1
This is a song I started writing the other night, i liked it a lot. I'm not completely done with it and i'm not sure if i'm keeping the last verse. I'm looking for some critique. Let me know how you guys feel about it! Thanks
- Kenny Erdmann


Isn't odd how this worlds so bizarre
I'm starting to think there's nothing in the sky but stars
A never ending abyss filled with empty darkness
starting to see there's nothing here for me to miss

I had life in between the tightest of hands grasps
but it slipped through the slightest cracks
It slithered down to somewhere i could never reach again
until i pass and i see it in the heavens

they say we live between heaven and hell
really, what lies below the deepest of wells
what sits above the highest of clouds
when all that ever perished lies in the ground

This world has changed in direction like the shadows beneath our feet
it's your past wherever you go it follows, no matter the speed
my shoulders are bruised and my legs start to quiver
backs breaking and knees shaking, tripping over the beggers

They say a story's written in the stars
longest story of time
cutting out chapters that are needed to live this life, divine.
one torn away like pluto a lost word next to be mars
#2
Isn't odd how this worlds so bizarre
I'm starting to think there's nothing in the sky but stars
A never ending abyss filled with empty darkness
starting to see there's nothing here for me to miss

Solid man, I like "empty darkness". I think "never ending" could be replaced with something a little more fluid. "Endless abyss" sounds way better imo. Also, its often a good idea to make the last rhyme of your stanza the best, and "darkness/miss" doesnt really cut it for me, too much of a partial rhyme to end a verse with. The meter is pretty scattered too, I'd look at trying to tighten it up if it is meant to be sung. Do you have a melody already or is this a lyrics-first kinda thing?

I had life in between the tightest of hands grasps
but it slipped through the slightest cracks
It slithered down to somewhere i could never reach again
until i pass and i see it in the heavens

Again I like some of your phrasing and imagery. The first line is great, "between the tightest of hand grasps" sounds awesome. Again, the rhymes are a little sloppy, you could definitely come up with a better rhyme for "heavens" to go at the end of the third line. Deadened? Deafened? Lengthen? Destined? Because "again" is iambic, (that is, having an unstressed first syllable and a stressed second) it sits awkwardly as a match for a trochaic (stressed then unstressed) word like "heavens". You need a word with the same stress pattern, methinks.

they say we live between heaven and hell
really, what lies below the deepest of wells
what sits above the highest of clouds
when all that ever perished lies in the ground

The rhymes are way better here, especially clouds/ground, however, your imagery isn't as good as in the first two stanzas, so I'd try to beef that up somehow. Not sure why but I thought this stanza was a lot weaker than the others, probably because of the repetition in the 2nd and 3rd lines. Thats just my opinion though.

This world has changed in direction like the shadows beneath our feet
it's your past wherever you go it follows, no matter the speed
my shoulders are bruised and my legs start to quiver
backs breaking and knees shaking, tripping over the beggers

Hmm, not so sure about this one, I had you with the first few stanzas, but now I'm not sure what you are getting at. So far I was feeling a anti-theistic sentiment, there-is-no-afterlife kinda vibe, but I'm not sure what, say, beggars, have to do with that, and why you are tripping over them. Perhaps I've just totally missed something. The idea of your past following you, keeping pace with you like a shadow is a nice image though, regardless of meaning, and I would definitely cultivate that if I were you.

They say a story's written in the stars
longest story of time
cutting out chapters that are needed to live this life, divine.
one torn away like pluto a lost word next to be mars

Here is where you lose me a bit, and I can see how you were thinking of dropping this stanza. As far as endings go, it leaves me puzzled and slightly dissatisfied, because there is no real resolution of the ideas and themes set up in your opening stanzas. I think rather than dropping this one, you should replace it with something else. Consider carefully what you are trying to say, what your final word on this subject should be, and then pack it neatly into four lines. The switch of rhyme scheme from ABAB to ABBA was interesting though, that might be worth sticking to.

Hope any of this helps
#4
Quote by Cacophonaut
Solid man, I like "empty darkness". I think "never ending" could be replaced with something a little more fluid. "Endless abyss" sounds way better imo. Also, its often a good idea to make the last rhyme of your stanza the best, and "darkness/miss" doesnt really cut it for me, too much of a partial rhyme to end a verse with. The meter is pretty scattered too, I'd look at trying to tighten it up if it is meant to be sung. Do you have a melody already or is this a lyrics-first kinda thing?


I already wrote the melody to it, as odd as the meter(there really was no meter in this ahaha) is, it fit to the major scale of playing in Open D tuning and it seemed to work the way it was sung. Thank you, reading through it, it didn't seem right but i couldn't figure out what it was.


Again I like some of your phrasing and imagery. The first line is great, "between the tightest of hand grasps" sounds awesome. Again, the rhymes are a little sloppy, you could definitely come up with a better rhyme for "heavens" to go at the end of the third line. Deadened? Deafened? Lengthen? Destined? Because "again" is iambic, (that is, having an unstressed first syllable and a stressed second) it sits awkwardly as a match for a trochaic (stressed then unstressed) word like "heavens". You need a word with the same stress pattern, methinks.

I did not catch that when i was writing it, the iambic and trochaic doesn't sound to crisp, thats something i'll be looking to change. I have a problem with finding the last rhyme in all of my lyrics.


The rhymes are way better here, especially clouds/ground, however, your imagery isn't as good as in the first two stanzas, so I'd try to beef that up somehow. Not sure why but I thought this stanza was a lot weaker than the others, probably because of the repetition in the 2nd and 3rd lines. Thats just my opinion though.

I see what you're saying there, i was looking to make this verse a chorus maybe but possibly, like you said "beef it up".


Hmm, not so sure about this one, I had you with the first few stanzas, but now I'm not sure what you are getting at. So far I was feeling a anti-theistic sentiment, there-is-no-afterlife kinda vibe, but I'm not sure what, say, beggars, have to do with that, and why you are tripping over them. Perhaps I've just totally missed something. The idea of your past following you, keeping pace with you like a shadow is a nice image though, regardless of meaning, and I would definitely cultivate that if I were you.

I was kind of going for the, at first in life mainly everybody has close to the same beliefs and than latter it was lost hope and still going towards anti-theistic theme. That realizing no matter what you do the past is there no way to clear it like as in no confession. Carrying the burden of the past like everyone else but people begging others for help. I said "tripping over the beggars" because way back when you had they beggars in the street on their hands and knees pleading for whatever they could get. I guess i need to add another verse explaining that in more detail.


Here is where you lose me a bit, and I can see how you were thinking of dropping this stanza. As far as endings go, it leaves me puzzled and slightly dissatisfied, because there is no real resolution of the ideas and themes set up in your opening stanzas. I think rather than dropping this one, you should replace it with something else. Consider carefully what you are trying to say, what your final word on this subject should be, and then pack it neatly into four lines. The switch of rhyme scheme from ABAB to ABBA was interesting though, that might be worth sticking to.


I always enjoyed switching the rhyme scheme in the ending verse kind of like an Elizabethean Sonnet, it adds a smooth twist to the flow of the songs. Yeah I was just stuck on stars and wrote this another day, in a completely different mood. This verse will most likely be dropped.

Hope any of this helps



It completely helped Cacophonaut I appreciate your critique and I look forward to finishing these lyrics in the near future from your help, if you would like me to critique anything of yours, let me know. I'm always up for reading and analyzing another artists work.
#6
No "C4C's" in titles, please. Also, if you do not yet have a proper title for your thread then use Untitled. If your song title was actually "Experimental Song" I will change it back for you.
#7
I apologize Goldfish, i'm rather new and i guess i skipped over that in the rules. Won't happen again
#8
First, a small grammatical error in the first line, "Isn't odd how this worlds so bizarre" I think should say "Isn't it odd how this worlds so bizarre." The first two lines establish the rhythm and flow for this piece, as it is with any piece you read without music. With that in mind, the "A never ending abyss filled with empty darkness" feels a little awkward and threw me off a little bit. That said, the imagery in the first stanza is quite enjoyable. Nothing spectacular,but still good. Also, I would ad an "I am" at the beginning of the line "starting to see there's nothing here for me to miss."

The next stanza starts off with a slightly awkward line, "I had life in between the tightest of hands grasps."I see you are trying to rhyme "grasps" with "cracks", but the wording of the first line feels weird. Maybe something more like "My life was in hands, tightly clasped+But it slipped through the slightest of cracks" I don't know, just a suggestion. Obviously, this is your piece, do what you will. The next two lines, I understand what you are trying to say, but again it feels a little off with the rhythm. Especially the last line about the "heavens."

The next stanza is quite good. You express your point clearly and smoothly, in my opinion. The rhymes don't seem forced, it makes sense, and the flow is not thrown off. I like this part.

I think the idea that you are trying to convey in this next stanza is that your past brings you pain that you cannot escape. I feel like it gets the point across, if that is your point. I am not sure about the "beggars" line, however. It almost seems thrown in for the rhyme.

In my opinion, the final stanza is weak. It starts out with "They say a story's written in the stars ," which makes me feel like a summarizing statement is coming. Then, you say "longest story in time," which is awkward at best. Then, in the next line, you throw the word "divine" on the end for the rhyme it feels like. The word "divine" is not integral to the statement, you can see this by removing it, the sentence still makes sense. Try to rewrite the sentence so that divine is less awkwardly placed at the end and more important to the line. Lastly, your final line says "one torn away like pluto a lost word next to be mars" which starts out okay, but then trails into something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I honestly do not understand what you were trying to say here.

Overall, I like your idea, or at least what I perceived to be your idea. I felt like you were talking about feeling emptiness at the fact that there is not life after death. If this is your idea, I would really like to see you explore it a little bit more, because I think you have a decent start here. Just some forced rhymes, flow issues, and some lines that just didn't make sense. I would love to read a revised piece.

Hopefully I helped more than I rambled...
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
Last edited by OctopusBricks at Apr 15, 2011,
#9
Quote by Kerdmann5
I apologize Goldfish, i'm rather new and i guess i skipped over that in the rules. Won't happen again
No bother, mate. Stick around!
#10
Bricks, your critique actual did help. Yes that is what i was going for really the idea stuck in my head one night and i just went with it, and this is what i did in a quick 10 minute writing session.

I'm in the process of revising it right now, and when I finish I plan on posting the finished version up. Like I said to the others, if you need anything critiqued post it here, I will see what I can do.

Goldifish, I completely intend on sticking around! This is a very helpful forum.