#1
Almost 15 years now. Still plain as day in my memory.


The sky fell heavy on his breath,
wisps of condensation flitting off;
talking to the clouds (or god).
His mustache rippled in the wind,
it's waxed curls oscillating in waltzing measure
(one two three one two three).
Behind that sly old bristle,
a grin formed into a smile.
Grandfather curled his hands into stones,
and the skies rained down freedom of speech.
(one two three one two three)
And then my face was crimson;
and then my face was sand.
"Boy, you ever hit a young lady again
and I'll break you. Understand?"
Three nods (one two three).

Then his arm was around me,
"Let's clean you up, young man.
One of these days, I'll make you honorable.
So far though, you've done me pretty proud."
#3
That cadence element is really amazing. When I read, "Three nods (one two three)," I felt like I was nodding. That was really great. Good work.
We're only strays.
#4
I really like this. Great description and it flows. Really enjoyed the lines about the grandfather hitting (who I assume is you). "And then my face was crimson | and then my face was sand
" - Great lines. Good job.

Hey, if you don't mind, would give a quick look to my piece, Saboreas (lyrics)?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1431599
Last edited by jwizzle5786 at Apr 15, 2011,
#5
The first half of the first stanza was really, really great and calculated; you described the atmosphere in a really elaborate and discriptive way. I also loved how you compared the motion of the mustache to SHM. At first I wasn't sure about the second half of the first stanza but after reading it for the second time I have cme to realise that it is very good as well. The semi-colon after 'crimson' was very well placed.

I have no problems with the second stanza at all. The voice of the Grandfather (just like in the second part of the firt stanza) is very believable and well done.

I genuinely have no criticism about this piece. I really liked it. And although this piece uses physical phenomenoms to decribe the setting, the piece (IMO) also strikes me as being quite spiritual in nature.

Excellent.