#1
She drove a dagger through the map
and I laughed at the clichéd sight,
picturing her with a hook for a hand
and a parrot on her shoulder.

“Something funny?”
She’s not amused (never is, goddamn)
so I stop mid-bark, (I don’t laugh for real anymore)
all business.

She says I owe her;
I’ve got no collateral and not half a getaway
so I say “yeah, yeah, anything you want,”
time to pay up. (live and learn; forget it)

“Get your shit together,
I mean it this time,”
I’m all nods and reassurance, (trying)
I mean it, too.

We draw lines on the map,
I write our names and she yells again
so I cross hers out
and finish the lines. (don’t blow it now you sonofabitch)

She reaches to pull the dagger out
so we can fold the map,
stow it,
get the fuck outta here. (it’s late)

The blade is stuck and I watch (grinning)
as she pulls and strains, refusing to ask for help.
I can’t help it, I laugh from the gut (for real this time)
and she turns and cuts my eyes out with hers.

Recoiling, I don’t even notice
she’s pulled the knife from the wood. (about time)
She drives it into my neck.
I guess my word is worthless.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#2
Although I needed to re-read this piece again and again to understand the content fully, I enjoyed thi. The parentheses were especially well done, and they added a new perspective to each line. The line "get the **** outta here. (it’s late)" needs an 'and' before 'get'. With the line "and she turns and cuts my eyes out with hers" I think you need to be more explicit that it is (her) knife that is used to cut your eyes out, because the way you constructed the previous sentence make it seem like she used your gut to cut your eyes out. "she’s pulled the knife from the wood", there was no mention of wood previously.
In the final line I think it should be 'my words are pointless" because it would link well with the fact that a lot of parentheses were used in this piece.

Apart from that I enjoyed the almost satirical nature of this piece. This piece is also a lot different from your other pieces (that you have posted.) A great read.
#3
Thanks for the crit! I was trying to do something different stylistically with this piece (as you noticed) so I'm a little out of my comfort zone.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."