#1
Resist dislodging
the unshod children -
allow them to march,
(this will happen irrespective of your interventions.)
Let the hounds roar an unintelligible flare;
one by one all children will realise
that they are the vessels and we are the voyagers.

Persevere like a slave
in the midst of tribulation
and unruly co-existence.
Affection is a mental construct
and nothing more.
#3
The language is quite enjoyable. This piece has good flow, sans the parenthetical, in my opinion. I do not fully understand the "Let the hounds roar an unintelligible flare," since a flare is more of a visual than audible phenomenon, to my knowledge, anyway. My final bone to pick is that the final verse feels like it is from a different piece in some way.

I guess I feel like you have a story here at the surface (regardless of what the meaning is); children are marching despite our wishes, yet we are some how living through the children. Then, the last verse is unclear about who the subject is: the children? the people who are living through the children? I do not know. Either way, it says that someone must continue on through suffering and co-existence with others, and then randomly you through on that "Affection is a mental construct." I guess I just don't feel that the first part of the piece conveys this message of the last two lines. That is just the way I feel.

Overall, I do not know what this piece is about. What are we co-existing with? What is our suffering derived from? Always know that I would never ask anyone to always simply spell it out for us, interpretation is what makes poetry intriguing. But also know that with that, comes the possibility that those interpreting your piece might be confused, as I was, and you must settle for that.

I look forward to reading more pieces from you in the future.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#4
Very interesting view. This didn't really strike an emotional chord for me, but it very elegantly depicted - from a distant, outsider's perspective - the more inhumane aspect of propagation. And it's nice and minimalist, which is always something I like.

As for criticism, I kind of think the line, "in the midst of tribulation," is both unnecessary and the closest thing in the piece to sounding cliche.
We're only strays.
#6
Okay, since I've already said how much I like your writing, I'm going to try and keep this crit constructive and not ego padding. But for the record, I did like it

Your word choice was pretty good overall, but there were a few things that irked me. I didn't like the use of unshod, because is sounds almost ugly when you put it between softer words like 'dislodging' and 'children'. Also, I didn't like 'one by one', because I simply don't like the term. I know it's extremely biased, but I find it cliche. I did like your use of the word flare, however, for the exact reason OctopusBricks didn't like it: the fact that it gives you a visual image, rather than an auditory one. That line was well written.

The second verse was a bit weird, because I wasn't sure who the subject was, like OctopusBricks. After reading it a coupe of times, though, I got the feeling that it was like Teenagers, by My Chemical Romance. The lyrics change perspective from adult to children, line by line, and that's the vibe I got here. Like I said, weird, but it was cool.

'Midst of tribulation' was a bit weak in comparison to some of the other lines, I like what it says in context, but it could've been said better, I think.

Another thing I noticed was the dash at the beginning. Not that I didn't like it, I just found that the use of a dash instead of a period set the tone for the entire poem. A period would've given it a strong, authoritarian tone, while the dash gave it a more suggestive tone. It would sound good either way, I just thought that was interesting. Also, while we're on the subject of punctuation, I liked the use of parenthesis.

So, even though I only said I liked 3 things about this poem in this crit, I still loved it. I just feel like I'm not doing anyone any good by just saying, 'Oh Bleed Away, you're such a good writer!' and batting my eyelashes, so, hope this helps
#7
Some great writing here. The only line that didn't work for me was "this will happen irrespective of your interventions". The rhythm of it just didn't feel like it fit with the rest of the piece. The last two lines were perfectly timed and delivered and overall I loved the didactic tone of the piece. Well-done.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."