#1
A man with broad shoulders once told me: "When you meet her, just make her happy. Make me proud." It seems now that he set forth an impossible task on both counts.

The wind is soft, sun fading behind the great earthen wall I call my Rocky Mountain compass. As she drives off in deja vu fashion, I count to three. 1...2...3. Her car stops, but my heart stays grounded. 1...2...vrrrrrrrmmptptptVRRRRMMM! Her pearly white chariot is swallowed by the nothing around the corner. In this moment, I brush the dust of pride from my eye and pause for pity. A car that dies in such predictable fashion seems like a silverscreen metaphor, but that's just her car. I flick my filter and head in.

Something is rotting. I spray her perfume until it forms a haze in the 4' by 6' kitchen. It doesn't make me yearn for her. Per usual, I feel next to nothing. I'm hungry, but empty cupboards. No concern, I'll eat again. She's angry, what's new? She'll smile again (if only in bed). I'm bored. Matches.

They usually go out before they reach the second floor, but I'm amused. Some men need nothing. I'm not one of them yet, but for now the joy of destroying something with the flick of a finger and watching it fall sustains me. It's been twenty minutes. A cool wind invades from the south.


this is going somewhere. wrote it in ten minutes. c4c.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Apr 16, 2011,
#2
Kinda liked the unorthodox stanza structure... Not sure about a few words here and there. I wasn't feeling the "vrm..." part and felt like there were a few clichéd lines like "some men need nothing" and "my heart stays grounded. Other than that there is some solid writing in here, it's just not necessarily cohesive. Give it a little more than 10 minutes and refine it 'cos I feel like you didn't do some of the ideas here justice.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."