#1
A little back story to begin with....Recently, about a month and a half ago, my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up. It was just 2 weeks after our 4th year, but things hadn't been going so great, we fought a lot, just couldn't get along. I packed my stuff and left our apartment after it ended, needless to say, it was really hard to deal with, but shit happens, plenty of fish in the sea, etc etc. I'm doing good now, and I have just written this song, it is a bit of what I went through/am going through, and even if it isn't all that great, and a bit stereotypical it has helped me a lot. Anyways crit4crit, would appreciate your thoughts on it and any suggestions on a new name would be great, I'm not quite satisfied with the name. Also I have music written out for it and plan on recording it soon. Keep in mind, this is a COUNTRY song, I know theres not a lot of country fans on here but still hope this can be appreciated, thanks!


(verse 1)
We were to busy fighting,
to fix what went wrong.
Never thought I'd be singing this song.
But when I looked into your eyes,
I knew something wasn't right.
I'm just to damn headstrong.


Now I'm missing you like crazy,
and drinking with a memory.
I always thought you'd never leave me,
but now your walking out the door,
said you can't take it anymore.

(chorus)
Goodbye to you.
Please remember me.
I've been running around in circles,
feeling lonely.
Goodbye to you.
I hope you still smile.
It's been a long while,
since I've seen that face,
and goodbye to you.

(verse 2)
I've been down to the bottom
of damn near every bottle,
I've ever set my sad eyes on.
So someone pour me another shot,
whether it's whiskey or another scotch.
I don't think I'm ever going to stop.

And if it's me you see calling on your phone,
just let it be, I'm probably drunk alone.
I'm doing alright, just sometimes I fall,
back into old ways,
like it was yesterday.

(chorus)
Goodbye to you.
Please remember me.
I've been running around in circles,
feeling lonely.
Goodbye to you.
I hope you still smile.
It's been a long while,
since I've seen that face,
and goodbye to you.

(verse 3)
Today was a brand new day,
saw this pretty woman walking my way.
Caught her smiling at me,
so I smiled back at her,
hell man, I even got her number.

So tonight I won't be drinking down my pride,
I'll be dreaming of her, sitting by my side.
I get to turn a page in my book of life,
and finally say,
just exactly what I need...

and goodbye to you.
Last edited by acoustic_jesus at Apr 18, 2011,
#2
D'awah man, I get what you mean about the cliche lines, but it was very very nice. I got the emotion and the pain, and verse 2 was probably my favourite or the best. I don't really dig the line "hell man, I even got her phone number" but as you said, its a country song and whilst I'm not a country fan, I can sort of see how it would fit.

Overall, I love the simple, plain honesty thats so glaring and blatant. You speak like a man who is sad for the past but unafraid of the future.

Well done!
#3
Thanks man, and I agree with you on that line "hell man..." I can never seem to finish off a 3rd verse strong, it always sounds to forced. I'm working on it though, thanks for the kind words dude.
#4
Cool.

I recommend you volume it up in the chorus, almost "shout" the first line.

Also,

I've been down to the bottom
of damn near every bottle,


Alchohol for the win, no country song passes if it doesn't mention it. (;

Good job, I'd like to hear it sometimes. Let's wish that I will on the radio someday. (;
#6
To be brutally honest, i Love country but this is a whole different thing right here, has a acousticy vermillion part 2 sort of feel with the softness of a acoutic finnish piece
FREAKING BEAUTIFUL. verse 2 is easily the best.
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6. Dradnaught Acoustic
#7
In the first line, there is a small grammatical issue: "We were too busy fighting" should read "We were too busy fighting." The only other thing I see immediately is that the rhyme scheme is odd. It starts out ABB but then that disappears after the third line. Also, the last line should read "I'm just too damn headstrong."

In the next stanza, again, the rhyme scheme is odd and inconsistent. Here, it could almost be an AAABB rhyme scheme, which does not really show itself in the rest of the song. I guess the best way for me to show you what i mean is to show you the rhyme patterns for the first three stanzas. Now, this isn't exactly professional, since I just restarted the rhyme pattern for each stanza instead of going through the entire alphabet. What I mean is that the "A" in stanza one does not necessarily rhyme with the "A" in stanza two.

ABBCCB - Verse 1
AAABB - Verse 1
ABCBADDEA - Chorus

As you can see, it does not really conform to any consistent rhyme scheme. And that is just the first three stanzas, I did not have time to do the rest. Something to look at in the future. The reason it is important is that when you start rhyming in a song, it develops this sort of rhythm. And when you break from it, it is noticeable because the audience is expecting a rhyme to come and it never shows up.

On to the Chorus. I actually really liked this part. It seems really emotional and like you are really opening up to how you feel.

In Verse 2, you start out with a line that sounds a lot like part of the refrain of a popular Nickleback song: "I've been down to the bottom + of damn near every bottle." "How You Remind Me" by Nickleback says "I've been wrong, I've been down + To the bottom of every bottle" which your line instantly made me think of. But hey, famous French New Wave filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard said "It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to." So keep that in mind when borrowing a line from somewhere else. That said, I am sure you did not intentionally do this. We live in an age when EVERYTHING has been done. There is almost nothing you can create that hasn't already been created, so there is bound to be some overlap in some areas. I like the last three lines, I think they had a nice flow to them. I enjoyed it.

The next stanza is alright. I mean, it didn't make my jaw drop, but it isn't bad either. I don't mean that as an insult to your writing, I just do not think this is your strongest verse. Again, the rhyme scheme does not match the rest of the song, however.

Verse 3's first stanza is good, sans the "Hell man, I even got her number" line. I like that you turn it around at the end, bringing the story to an end sort of. I really like that you came back to "And goodbye to you" but this time in a different context. I liked that ending a lot.

Overall, this piece suffers from the lack of a consistent rhyme scheme. However, it is so prevalent that I am not sure you can change it without reworking a lot of this piece. Aside from that, I like that you told a story with a beginning, middle and end, which is hard to do in music. The imagery in this piece is rather cliche, however, and the language is not particularly eloquent. I get it though, it is a typical country song. Sometimes, certain lyrical topics are found more often in certain genres. That said, I think the biggest part of country music, is the music. That is what makes it what it is. Today, there are a lot of pop and even some rock elements that have been introduced into country music, however, and it gets further and further away from its roots. I guess what I am trying to say is that you do not need to write the lyrics in a certain way to make them "country" in my opinion. I have this belief that I profess mostly to writers of Christian music that "Just because it is Christian music, does not mean it has to be crappy music." The same goes for country. That said, sticking to country stereotypes will definitely make it feel like a country song, I just wish that more country music writers branched out a little in their creativity department. Sorry about that rant. This piece has room for improvement, but I still enjoyed it. If you make changes, I would love to see them.

I am sorry, I wish this could have been a more helpful critique...
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#8
For the record I am not a fan of country music, so take my critique with a grain of salt. I think overall it was pretty well constructed as a song lyric. Undoubtedly, it seems about as cliche as it can be; however to a degree this is understandable as there are many cliche elements that are prominently used in country music that maintain a steady "theme", for better and for worse. I think that is where country music in general loses me. The music is typically very contrived. Ironically enough, however, I could hear the music and a vocal melody in my head as I read through your poem. Unfortunately, that music is standard radio fare. You can take that as you wish. It is a good piece, and I do think if you recorded it properly with a band or something you would very easily take off. The downside is its not inherently unique, though the feelings are expressed pretty accurately. To that I can agree with your feelings, as I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years and there were a few occasions where I essentially felt absorbed by the negatives of various situations. To write about it is a good thing to help yourself move on to the next step in life.