#1
hold me still-
I shake, trying to stay real even now
Parkinson lover at the decade age
that November chill sleeping sweet in my bones
whispering easy to me secret hymns of being alone.
make pendulums of these oak fingers
swaying as eons would pass
forever beneath the pointer hands
recounting even in the higher stands,
a kind of reassurance that certain parts will always last-
and made to sit in sills,
unconscious designs rewarded to those
who could at least stave off the first frost,
and no matter the amount of wrapped sweets
or natural sustenance saved away, harmless and deep
beneath the crux of some older trunk or tree
(a baggage unknown/returning to senders)
gnarled roots and veins wrapped
the inside of me-
separate swarms of insects will come in plagues
to die in the first bitten breeze,
wishing for something simple- daffodil candy
but all some will see are the photographs of windows
moving pictures caught at a standstill
rattling only as your breath came upon one
drawn to them,
as you guide twitching muscles, teasing
across the keys twirling in subtle springtime
after the first Fall, coming to rest with ease.

I still shake these days
swinging back and forth, artist trapeze
but she will always return
fully developed in polaroid white paper
in this and these.
#2
My goodness. I'm in awe. I can't find a single thing wrong with this.

And i love the last little bit at the end. I feel like i can relate to it.
#3
This style of writing, somewhat resembling a list of imageries, isn't particularly my favorite, so I have a difficult time making a fair judgement of it. I will say that if you're going to rhyme, do try to be consistent about it. It may seem clever at first, but when reading, it really just throws off the flow in my head, and possibly in others' as well.
#4
Quote by greyeyedfire
This style of writing, somewhat resembling a list of imageries, isn't particularly my favorite, so I have a difficult time making a fair judgement of it. I will say that if you're going to rhyme, do try to be consistent about it. It may seem clever at first, but when reading, it really just throws off the flow in my head, and possibly in others' as well.


definitely will admit this wasn't my strongest thematically and worked as a more casually looping stream of consciousness, but as far as rhymes go, its more of an internal thing that I don't really plan and just works off of whatever rhythm is moving in the piece. I often write to music and subsequently that's how flow is achieved but I appreciate the critique and I understand where you're coming from.
#5
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's bad style, I just don't like it myself. My problem with the rhyming is that after I see two lines rhyming, when I read those third and fourth lines, I'm expecting more rhyming. When they don't, I (mostly automatically) stop reading and just skim down, looking for the line that matches, hence why it kills flow for me.
#6
Quote by greyeyedfire
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's bad style, I just don't like it myself. My problem with the rhyming is that after I see two lines rhyming, when I read those third and fourth lines, I'm expecting more rhyming. When they don't, I (mostly automatically) stop reading and just skim down, looking for the line that matches, hence why it kills flow for me.



hahahaha that's actually interesting because in a way I do the exact same thing inversely- I think part of it stems from a structured 'poetic upbringing', if that makes sense. this is no mark on you whatsoever, just possibly a perception, that you may not be used to reading this kind of free verse and therefore search for patterns, because honestly I used to do the exact same thing until i read a heapload of bukowski and whitman, hahaha. its odd because in a way nowadays I skim through structured works to the end to see if they retain their structure throughout. obviously no clear problem with either school of thought, I just think that's where that comes from.

again i appreciate the comments.
#7
I found this very hard to put a beat too ended up with some crazy 6/8 stuff with a jazzy feel.
Gear:
Guitars:
1. Epiphone Custom Shop Explorer Apparition
2. BC Rich Iron Bird 2003 LTD Spaceface
3. Gould KK Series LTD Reaper 600
4. BC Rich Warbeast WMD
5. Cort X6 Custom
6. Dradnaught Acoustic
#8
I loved this until around half way though, at which point I felt you lost too much focus, strayed too far into vaguery. I would consider juxtaposing the very florid with the very mundane, because on its own it feels purple and ornate to the extent that this ornateness draws attention to itself and therefore away from the thing being ornamented, which is the underlying theme.
#9
Quote by Cacophonaut
I loved this until around half way though, at which point I felt you lost too much focus, strayed too far into vaguery. I would consider juxtaposing the very florid with the very mundane, because on its own it feels purple and ornate to the extent that this ornateness draws attention to itself and therefore away from the thing being ornamented, which is the underlying theme.


thank you for the crit.- and I agree. I was hesitant about posting this because of the way it does meander a bit off track but ultimately I think the components still do all fit if a little haphazardly. what happened was that I contemplated ending it about half way but still wanted to flesh out the idea and it didn't tie back as well as it could've. however it is what it is now.

and to the fellow above, this is a poem, not lyrics. thank you though
#10
Stopped at parkinson lover. You are a genius.

This wasn't your best though, it definitely read out as a stream of consciousness.
Cacophonaut hit the nail on the head.

But it's still a good piece.
#11
I agree about the lack of focus but this really was just a lesson in beautiful writing. I will admit I didn't draw much of a message or theme from this but rather let the rhythm and essence of the writing wash over me. Didactic writing does not necessarily good writing so I wouldn't consider a lack of focus too much of a criticism; it's nice just to enjoy the feel of the diction rather than sift through it.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#12
I also agree with Cacophonaut. Usually your imagery is spot on. It's still very good here, but there's so much of it that it kind of disconnects the first few lines from the last few lines. Also, I would have taken out "even now" from the second line, but that isn't important. This was a nice read.
#13
I really liekd the second part of the first stanza but the first part didn't say a lot - to me it's purpose was really to describe a cognitive atmosphere to the reader. But I think you could cut down the first half because some of the imagery was a bit unneeded.
There were some lines that read a tad awkward, such as "I still shake these days", "that November chill sleeping sweet in my bones" and "to die in the first bitten breeze". Would you agree?

"beneath the crux of some older trunk or tree
(a baggage unknown/returning to senders)
gnarled roots and veins wrapped
the inside of me"
was gold. This segment really spoke to me, especially the parenthical line.

Overall, this isn't your best but it is still an enjoyable piece. Try to 'tighten' up this piece by t removing unneeded lines and this piece will be better.