#1
I'd like some critiques/comments on my song lyrics "Love Me as I Drink Myself to Death." I'd be more than welcomed to comment on something of yours in return.

Love me as I rest in a bed of
Roses as I lie naked in the
Doorway drifting off to sleep or waking
To a new life dreaming that I
Can escape into the darkened night sky
With the light of a fire burning
The wicker grave where I lie stargazing

Love me as I look into your eyes
Quiet as the shoreline returning
To the edge of a floating world be-
hind my eyes drinking liquor with her Christ
In petty chapel pews vomiting the
Porcelain lies confided in burning
Embers of a child left sinking
In the river under the world

Love me in the morning after
The excited body wanes into the after-
Life as a new creation takes the place of
God and my flesh in unison create the
Endless sphere where you only exist for a
Moment then drift and are placed upon my naked
Body underwater and we may float to another
Dawning world to drink another

Love me for a moment (baby I'm tired)
Can't you ****ing hear my words protruding
Through the depressed dirt where I linger
With the footprints of a gypsy universe
Examining my corpse for gold and trinkets
Of meaningless nothing since we're dead and sinking
Exhausted waste in a bottle of brandy
That god is drinking as we're left naked, swimming...


If you'd like to hear these lyrics in song, feel free to take a listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deRAWszmL68&feature=relmfu
#2
Hey just gave it a listen and a read. Loved it! Loved it alot. Very powerful and i can relate to it quite a bit. Really reminded me of Elliott Smith or Nick Drake. I can definitely see the bright eyes influence as well (i love bright eyes myself XD). The only change i would make is the line:

Can't you ****ing hear my words protruding Through the depressed dirt where I linger


IMO its better as just "can't you hear my words protruding" both rhythmically and with the feeling of the song as i felt it. It just seems a little rushed with that in it. To me at least. Other than that i wouldn't change a thing. Awesome job!

If you want to take a gander at a song of mine and critique it here is a link:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1388052
#3
loved it, lots of emotion, sounds great. The one thing I would change is exactly what the poster above me said. Other then that it is really great. The imaging, the emotion, the flow, man, this is a great piece of work. If you want check out my latest song, its in my sig.
#4
Agreed with the above, especially given the melody.

I love the repetition at the beginning of the verses (I used that trick recently as well). The imagery and obvious emotion carries throughout.

Nice!

I have a piece on here (Empty Minds) if you want to check it out.
#5
Wow, what an emotional and powerful peace,
When I was reading this with just the lyrics, i found it difficult to get the flow of the piece,
but with the music behind it, it was much easier to get the flow,
I reckon if you changed to the line
Can't you ****ing hear my words protruding Through the depressed dirt where I linger

It would make it much more meaningful as this song has a nice soothing feeling and putting the F Word in hinders the piece.

Great to hear some music to it, maybe to spice it up you could put in a key change or something but if you only want this to be a lullaby then that is fine,
to begin with i thought it was going to be a full on raging metal piece, but well done on your work.

I'd appreciate it if you were to critique my piece:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1433742

Cheers,
TheAscendant
#6
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. I sort of forgot I had posted this until I just thought about it. I figured without the music as well it sort of doesn't flow properly, but that's how it is.

I also understand the complaints regarding the use of profanity, but it will remain as the word has meaning for me in the context of what the song means. As strange as it may sound, the last stanza is sort of about me and my (deceased) sister sort of merging in the grave; and essentially calling out to (a non-existent) god above in anger and frustration. Add to that concept my clinical depression, atheism, and suicidal feelings in general and the profanity makes a lot more sense.

That said, I still appreciate the comments! I will be returning the favor shortly to all of you!