#1
i'm made of glass and full of water
when light shines through me
it often draws a crowd

i slept in a desert
the sun dried me up
but unless you're close enough
you'd still think i was full

i wish that i would shatter
on the path outside her house
that she'd sweep up the pieces
and wonder who i was
i wish that what's left of me
would drip onto her lawn

and i'd be useful.

between kelly and i there's nothing
between me and kelly there's the world
Last edited by spitonastranger at Apr 22, 2011,
#2
Man, this was a really interesting read!
The 3rd stanza was the best I reckon, but the last two lines I didn't really get. But thats probably my flawed intellectuality rather than poor writing.
Anyway, good job!

Its funny though, that theres a lot of glass references when I just posted something called glass, and we posted near enough the same time haha.

If you do have the time, would you mind have a readover mine sir?
It would be much appreciated
#3
My favourite part of this was the last 2 lines, because it sums up the entire poem using those 2 lines. It brings everything in the poem together, which is great.

The first stanza had good imagery, but I found it to be boring compared with the rest. I get what you're saying with it, I just think that could be improved or expanded on. I loved the third stanza the most, because the imagery and theme flow together seamlessly.

Just to add on, the inconsistent capitalization of I threw me off a bit. There's nothing wrong with capitalizing or not capitalizing, but when you have both it's weird.

Anyhow, I liked this piece, and I think if you spend some more time with it, it could be great
Oh, and thanks for the crit on my piece
#4
Thanks for the crit man

Really glad you got the last two lines. Great point about the capitilization, i just edited it then because it's really a stupid small thing that makes a big difference. I see what you're saying about the first stanza as well, though i did intend for it to be a bit dry.