#1
Here is a song for ukulele accompaniment which I finally finished this morning. Google "shulgin scale" if you want to know what the title alludes to. C4C.


I guess that last bus ticket crane was the thousandth
because here is a wish granted openly
ardour and shiva-limbed meddling
melts at the walls of your arms
our love is a dance in the dark

Auspicious one, give me the knife to eviscerate
all my visions of Blake and nostalgia and atrophy
appleless waiting on gravity's ark
our love is a dance in the dark

Oh methylenedioxymethamphetamine
intimate bright unanimity beckoning
islands emerge, through the water of feeling
and, merging unflinchingly, raise to the ceiling
a vision of white
a perception of hallowing, helical growth
from the centre of everything

joyous, maybe
but with you I don't even need that, 'cause
our love is a dance in the dark
Last edited by Cacophonaut at Apr 20, 2011,
#2
I cannot really give you a critique, but I enjoyed the read. I think I'll UG stalk your S+L threads. Very good. -two thumbs-
#3
do you mean 'methylenedioxymethamphetamine' instead of 'methelyndioxymethamphetamine'? :P (assuming you're referring to MDMA)
I like the title (the plus-4 reference) very much though.
#4
Quote by theknuckster
do you mean 'methylenedioxymethamphetamine' instead of 'methelyndioxymethamphetamine'? :P (assuming you're referring to MDMA)
I like the title (the plus-4 reference) very much though.


I do, I'm afraid I guessed the spelling from memory when typing it out, but considering that I did get it mostly right and thanks, I thought that might chime with some people on here, given the interconnected nature of guitar music and psychedelics.
#5
This was nice yeah. I though it was funny when you came out and called it MDMA. Very blunt and quite funny. My perspective on this is limited given i've never done psychos but this compares favourably with burroughs and ginsberg so i'm basing my critique on that

Even though i saw what you were trying to say with appleless, i think fruitless might serve it better. I'd still know what you were talking about and it gets rid of appleless which is really quite an unattractive word.

Shiva gets used alot but i thought it was used well here.
'The auspicious one' was nice as well because it wasn't too parochial, something that reading over your work, you could afford to pay more attention to. The third stanza's undoubtedly the best but i imagine you already know that. It tends to be in my poems as well for some reason. Guess that's the 'crescendo' verse or something.

Anyway good job, i really like your style.

There's one of mine floating around at the moment if you wouldn't mind looking at it.
#6
This is well-written for the most part, but I feel like you're unnecessarily verbose. Phrases like "Auspicious one, give me the knife to eviscerate" sound complex, but are ultimately too dense and cluttered to really get any substance out of without re-reading a few times. They don't really sound poetic and I would recommend you try to keep your language simpler unless a word like "auspicious" or "eviscerate" is the ONLY word that could possibly describe what you're trying to say, rather than taking a simpler word and finding a verbose synonym for the sake of it. That being said, there are some lines that worked really well and you have a unique style, which is cool.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#7
In cacaphonaut's defence uncleremus, 'auspicious one' is one of the name's given to shiva. It couldn't be exchanged for a synonym without completely changing the meaning.
#8
Quote by spitonastranger
In cacaphonaut's defence uncleremus, 'auspicious one' is one of the name's given to shiva. It couldn't be exchanged for a synonym without completely changing the meaning.


Fair enough.... I just felt like the thorough use of verbose language threw off the feel of the piece.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#9
No, you definitely have a point, I have a tendency to want to be verbose when I feel unpoetic, as though one can be a substitute for the other. It is definitely a flaw in my style which I have tried and continue to try to remedy, and I'm glad you pointed it out

I definitely think the second stanza could be better out of all of these, too. Thanks for all your input, if anyone has any pieces they want me to take a look at in return I'll try to get around to them at some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future
#10
I was meaning to get to this for a while but I didn't really know what to say. I do agree with most of what has been already said, though. This got unnecessarily verboe in quite a few places (although I am guilty of this from time to time as well.) The third stanza really dragged the piece down for me; It read like you were name-dropping the 'word of the day's from various linguistic sites. The entire stanza didn't paint a coherent picture.

I don't understand the significance of the refrain 'our love is a dance in the dark' - the line reads more like a novelty that a fully realised idea.

The whole piece isn't bad but I feel that you could have made this into a really cohesive piece if you let your ideas breathe a little more.

Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 24, 2011,