#1
I'll be getting back to a couple people shortly




Estero
Sleeping in a parked car
with suspicions
of your existence
reverberating
in my ears.

Over the mangroves
the gulls rumor thunderstorms
and leap to the skies in defiance—
predictions of the coming year.

I awake
in the morning.
I used to dream
of you finding me.
I waited years,
but not no more,
not no more.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
"not no more" sounds like something my triestohardtoactsouthern step-dad would say.

It's a bit ambiguous for my tastes. Now I notice that when I cover up the middle stanza, the remaining two play out well together. I still have no idea what's going on, but a theme shines through. I think I'd like this better if that part were gone.
#3
Not no more doesn't do it for me at all. In fact i can't even say i'd prefer a less southern alternative like 'never again' or 'no more'
It feels less sacred and more like a motivational book with that ending, something about it just says 'false' to me. I really like the piece though. Sleeping in a parked car feels like a cliche but the mangrove scene really feels fresh. The imagery tied in with your avatar for me and that made it even better (weird how that happens sometimes)

The only things i would say are consider a different ending, and try painting a less contrived scene in the first verse even though the piece is still quite effective the way it is now. Really nice man.

There's one of mine floating around at the moment if you wouldn't mind.
#4
Bump. Not the best thing you ever wrote. Still better than most stuff here.

Not no more is ugly.
#5
youre right youre right youre right. i heard someone say it in real life when i wrote this down and it sounded so nice. he had the perfect voice. it's too forced. will be editing this. thanks a lot for such helpful comments guys.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Apr 22, 2011,