#1
This is an accent
not the manifestation
of public schools
and benevolence.
Speaking is leaving
a piece of candor
so take or leave
my didacticism.

We’re slowing down
and taking
apart
piece by piece
the traffic plucked from
frequencies - one
after
another
after
another.

This vowel and those
syllabic clashes
and that (and that again).
We’re swallowing whole
and still the pile
grows, there’s no
time for chewing or
digesting or
dead air.

Perhaps it’s me
at the root of the problem
in the humblest sense
in pretense and cadence,
waiting for ribs
bruised by cold metal bars
to heal.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


Last edited by UncleRemus at Apr 21, 2011,
#2
In my opinion, 'didacticism' is an uneceesary word to use. In terms of context I understand why you used the word, but in terms of execution it read like a lazy effort. I didn't like the use of line-break in "and taking/ apart", the jump is too abrupt.

"The traffic plucked from
frequencies" I like the idea but I think you could reword this a little better. 'Plunked from frequencies' reads in a quite disjointed manner (in terms of syntax.)

"We’re swallowing whole
and still the pile
grows, there’s no
time for chewing or
digesting or
dead air."

I didn't like some of the line-breaks here. The first two lines need to be rewritten. Also, it should be 'but still the pile...'

The last stanza is well-written but I don't understand the significance of the last two lines.