#1
So, for the beggining, I'd like to ask the moderator (Fish, if I remember well?), not to lock this thread but the "Waiting" thread instead, since I don't really like that song, and I made a lot changes in it lately.

Now, back to topic. Finding inspiration. I was searching, searching, and searching, but no luck at all. Then I got back to some regular topics, I tried to find something so usual and regular that noone would actualy notice.

Enjoy.

-The Followers- (looking for the new name, by the way)

They stay back when the sun comes out,
Sleepy eyes that can't be seen,
Following our every step,
As they are now, as they have always been.

With sun on it's peak, they're shy and they forget,
That their life will last just as those siluettes,
And they will die as the sun lays down on the end of it's way,
Just to be born in the morning of the new day.

They're scared of dark, of which they are,
Not waiting a moment to dissapear with the light,
When the sun comes down, they run so far,
To leave us in the dark, all by ourselves.

While the moon watches proudly from the top,
We're scared of the dark, with no reasons at all,
Not knowing that the reason is that we're left on our own,
Without that black trace we leave on the wall.

Goin' the road we prefer to go,
Watching our back, in their endless flow,
Being passive as they are, always watching the clock,
Having shadows as companions through our lonely walk.


-UPDATED-


-VERSE-
They stay back when the sun comes out,
Sleepy eyes that can't be seen,
Following our every step,
As they are now, as they have always been.

-VERSE-
so many clues that have no sense,
so many thoughts that burst my mind,
i must find oh i must find the missing part,
I dream of end, but i wake on start.

-CHORUS-
they were here, oh I know,
don't be cold, please,
be my snow, show me trace, grace,
don't just dance,
break the fence,
the tiny glance
I......

-VERSE-
With sun on top, they're shy and they forget,
That they will last just as those siluettes,
And they will die as the sun lays down on the end,
Just to be born in the morning.

-VERSE-
Darkness creautures, the watchers of all that had been,
of every secret, mystery and sin,
dancing freely, through rooftops of old elms,
on dusty ground, through the mist so dense.

-CHORUS-
you were here, oh I know,
don't cruel, please,
be my guide, thru the acts,
thru the fact,
don't just dance,
on the blood,
in the mud,
I......

-VERSE-
They're scared of dark, of which they are,
Not waiting moment to dissapear with the light,
When the sun comes down, they run so far,
To leave us in the dark, with no soul on sight.

-VERSE-
The moon watches proudly from the top,
We're scared of the dark, with no reasons at all,
Not knowing that the reason is that we're left on our own,
Without that black trace we leave on the wall.

-CHORUS-
you were here, oh I know,
don't cruel, please,
be my guide, thru the acts,
thru the fact,
don't just dance,
on the blood,
in the mud,
I......

Goin' the road we prefer to go,
Watching our back, in their endless flow,
Being passive as they are, always watching the clock,
Having shadows as companions through our lonely walk.

The followers, of our lonely walk...
Lonely walk...
Last edited by AsharakWize at Apr 27, 2011,
#3
I'm sorry but you really need to read the rules. You posted four threads in five days when we're only allowed two in six days. You also bumped this thread and that is also not allowed unless you substantially edited the piece, and you haven't.

I'm going to leave this open this time, but if you keep breaking the rules I'll have to keep closing your threads and send your account a warning. I know the rules seem restrictive but they're there for a reason.

If you're not receiving the critiques that you want, remember to critique as many others as you can and kindly ask for a return. The general rule (you don't have to do this) is to every critique you receive you give three back.

#4
Let's start with Stanza 1. The first thing that jumps out at me is that the "seen" and "been" rhyme is definitely forced. Try to work some synonyms in there and see if you can't leave the line structure mostly in tact. If you are not able to do so, then try reworking the line entirely while still portraying the same idea.

Stanza 2. I believe "With the Sun on it's peak" should read "With the sun at it's peak. It makes more sense, unless you were literally talking about the sun being on the peak of something, like a mountain… On second thought, I am not sure even that makes sense. In Line 2 you say "…their life will last just as those silhouettes" and you never mentioned silhouettes prior, which doesn't make sense in my opinion. Also, I believe the line would make more sense if it read "That their lives will last just as those silhouettes." I am not a big fan of the last two lines.

Stanza 4. I think you can change Line 3 to read "Not knowing the reason is that we're left on our own." I do not understand the "black trace on the wall" line, not sure what this is referring to.

Stanza 5. It is a pet peeve of mine to write lyrics/poetry with words like "Goin'." The reason is that it is one thing to sing/read the poetry this way, it is another to write it. Call me a stickler, but I prefer using proper grammar and spelling. It will make your work feel more mature.

To me, this piece has a few problems. Number one is the rhyme scheme. I made a quick chart below to show you the rhyme scheme you chose, and it is completely erratic, changing from verse to verse.

Rhyme Scheme:

ABCB
DDEE
FGFH
IJKJ
LLMM

Overall, the language is not that bad, however, but it is a little redundant. For example, you end Stanza 2 by saying that they die as the sun goes down and they are reborn in the morning. Then, in Stanza 3, you say basically the same thing in "Not waiting a moment to dissapear with the light, When the sun comes down, they run so far." Other than that, this piece is not bad. I assume you are writing about critics or false friends who run away when the going gets tough, but I have no idea, to be honest. This wasn't a very helpful critique, I know, so I apologize. Maybe I will come back to this piece later… Keep up the good work.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#5
Updated. Sorry, I forgot to, i've made a lot of changed to this piece.

I know there are some grammar mistakes, but I was focusing on other things.

Also, at first, the song was all about the shadows, and nothing else. The updated version is tending to description of a murder where only shadows are witnesses. I'm working on it.
Last edited by AsharakWize at Apr 27, 2011,