#1
the balcony -
embalmed in ice -
laughs.
i tremble the animosity in this
monochrome
watercolour garden,

like a snow globe filled with lead.

'some consequence yet hanging in the stars'
is melting and falling into me;
white flecks of ash
turning greens greys growths:
ash
into ashes
dust
into my chest
as my eyes perform vaudeville
to my mind

giving to mindlessness
my body
imagining us a castle
and an us
ash melts into anxiety
grass that conforms me
vines that form a gate
stones that form a gap

if i draw you from the castle,
you might disengage the imagery of words.

i will tell you,
for every time.
'i hate you'

that word will flow past
my veins
into my nose.
this garden is too dry.

"you always talk like romeo,
but i am king lear.
you can't sew a sweater
out of lovers & rhyme;
your monologue to the
winter is dead"
Last edited by littledude65 at Apr 21, 2011,
#2
I only have a minute, but some things that jumped out at me were

the awkwardness of

'animosity'

'vaudeville to my mind' (don't we perform for a crowd, not to it?),

'you might disengage the imagery of words' - what does this have to do with being drawn out of a castle?

'rhyme your monologue to the winter is dead' - what?


My first and most important suggestion is to read your piece out loud. over and over again. put emphasis on different words - don't keep your poem restricted to the flow you wrote it in, because others don't know your rhythm - unless you create it with your poem (which is the goal, right?). Currently, it jumps around a lot: full stop here, run-on ideas there. But it wants to make sense, and it wants to be beautiful. When you look at it from a distance, it's gorgeous and cohesive, but it needs your microscope, your focus, your clarity, to make it great.


edit: case in point: the monologue line that I didn't catch? a simple period after 'rhyme' would have made the whole thing more understandable, without killing the flow. don't think of punctuation as a barrier; think of it as the foothold that allows you to hoist yourself over the fence. but the word order of the last line is still awkward. what's dead? the monologue or the winter? vagueness and ambiguity do not a good poem make.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Apr 21, 2011,
#4
You know what i was actually a big fan of this. Even though 'tremble the animosity' and 'disengage the imagery of words' are weird phrases that don't make literal sense that almost feels like a device in itself. Like the stuttering in 'talking bout my generation' there's something in the imperfection that makes it feel human. I really like the last stanza and i really like 'imaginging us a castle and an us'

So yeah it's ambiguous but there's a truth at the heart of it that i connected with. You've definitely got the seeds of a 'great' poem here but i'm not sure this particular piece was intended for greatness, more quiet beauty. You've got alot of potential as a writer man.

If you wouldn't mind having a look when you get the chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1434118