#1
Hey! I'm new here. I just finished my first attempt at lyrics and I'm looking for some criticism and comments so I can become better. Here are the lyrics:



Voices! – Deep within my head.
Tearing me apart! – Driving me mad.

Helpless now, but never hopeless.
Bad times every now and then,
But never giving up until the ****in’ end!

Fear? Why am I feeling it at all,
When there’s nothing to be afraid from.
It’s just an illusion that I fight
And I have to defeat it tonight.

[Chorus]
I want to kill the pain.
I want to tame the anger.
I want to eradicate the fear.
I want my mind to be crystal clear

Is it all gone? Am I free?
Hell no ! it’s all still hiding in me.
Burning down my sanity
Like a forest on fire.

Now I have to fight the pain, fight the anger,
Fight them all so I can escape
This cage of negativity.

[Chorus]
I want to kill the pain.
I want to tame the anger.
I want to eradicate the fear.
I want my mind to be crystal clear

LET IT GO! LET IT GO!

I want to kill the pain.
I want to tame the anger.
I want to eradicate the fear.
My mind is now crystal clear

Now I’m free!
Last edited by HateMe! at Apr 23, 2011,
#2
It's pretty good. Maybe try messing with the context. If your lyrics are all "I, I, I" it's harder for the audience to connect, now say you change those lyrics to "You want to kill the pain, you want to tame the anger" it makes a bit more of a connection with the audience. You can experiment with changing it with he or she etc.

If you added that you could create a whole another level to your song.

Just my 2cents but good bit dark but good.
Last edited by bomernee at Apr 23, 2011,
#3
I'm not trying to sound critical, but this is FILLED with what appears to be teenage angst. Admittedly, I could be wrong, but that's the overall feel I get from reading it. Overall, it read fluidly enough and like bomer says, you overuse the first-person viewpoint and while it may be a piece about yourself, it alienates the reader because they are not being drawn in by anything OTHER than "you" or "the reader." A cohesive read with a few quirks, but hooray for the newbie S+L post. -thumbs up-
#4
Thanks for the comments! I'll change it now. And about the teenage angst stuff... yeah when I read it a few times after I posted it here, it really sounds like some emo kid wrote it. I'm not THAT emo ;D it's very exaggerated. Even the whole idea for the song is to be something very heavy. I'll edit now and make it more optimistic. :p
Last edited by HateMe! at Apr 24, 2011,
#5
Ok, so I edited the lyrics and made them positive now. Also got rid of most of the "I" repetition. I would appreciate more crtics and comments.



Voices! – Deep within my head.
Tearing me apart! – Driving me mad.

Bad times every now and then,
But never hopeless
And never giving up until the ****in’ end.

Fear? Why am I feeling it at all,
When there’s nothing to be afraid from.
Fear? It doesn’t scare me anymore!

[Chorus]
Kill the pain!
Tame the anger!
Eradicate the fear!
A mind crystal clear.

It’s all gone! I am free!
Hell yeah! No more pressure
From the hidden emotions
that burn down my sanity
like a forest on fire.

No more pain, no more anger.
Fought them hard
Until they are forever gone.
And now free from this cage of negativity.

[Chorus]
Kill the pain!
Tame the anger!
Eradicate the fear!
A mind crystal clear.

LET IT GO! LET IT GO!

Kill the pain!
Tame the anger!
Eradicate the fear!
The mind is now crystal clear.

Now I’m free!
Last edited by HateMe! at Apr 24, 2011,
#6
Hey again! Can you guys tell me what you think about the new version of the lyrics (in the previous post)?
#8
I definitely think the re write is an improvement. I was reading it and imaging it in a song, I think maybe in the chorus like "kill the pain, why am i caged? tame the anger, control my rage, eradicate the fear the mind is now crystal clear".

Think the next step would also be too look at the words your using and the way your describing things. I do think you need to "flesh" out the song a bit.

Some food for thought you've given it the title caged, so maybe bring more of that in. Caged like an animal? Trapped in my mind. Suffocating from the lack of freedom.

Think about things like hooks whats going to grab the attention of your audience. The first line is a good hook Voices - within my head, tearing me apart - driving me mad then the next line is bad times every now and then Im sure you could write that in a better way and still convey the same meaning.

With every song when your writing you have to balance how much time and work you want to put in with each because you can end up tweaking a song forever and ever. You can always come back to a song later and rewrite and add things.

Hope you find this helpful!
#9
Ask yourself what you are saying here. "I was trapped and now I'm free and that's awesome" is about it. It needs to have some kind of development and it needs to work towards the thing you are trying to say. You appear to be paraphrasing yourself over and over again and it just creates a sense that you aren't really saying anything.

The fact that you are looking for constructive criticism is outstanding. That's how you improve.

I'd also suggest that you read this thread: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393365

And then read it again. It's massively helpful for when you're first getting started with writing.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
Quote by Ganoosh

I'd also suggest that you read this thread: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393365


That thread is mint mate loads of information on their will definitely be bookmarking that page!
#11
I could write a doctoral thesis on how you've been brainwashed by culture to not only feel like you as (whatever you are) must write in a way that makes you the victim of (something entirely vague and without definition) and illustrates that you (being most likely a white, suburban teenager) have a distilled ignorance of what constitutes any of the feelings you've written about, the ideas you've presented (you're seriously talking about emotional imprisonment) and how you go about fixing these problems (Killing, Taming, Eradicating in that order.)

The narrative you've presented is as follows:

You have a problem.
Problem is vague.
Even you are kind of hazy about the whole issue.
Solution?
KILL
TAME
ERADICATE
FREEDOM

It ends on a declaration of freedom, seriously man, I don't know what the fuck you killed but it was most likely incredibly ill-advised.

This reads as if Malcolm X were a 14 yr. old white kid living in Kansas City and his favorite band is Five Finger Death Punch.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#12
Thanks for the comments and help, guys! I'll improve the lyrics more now. And for the meaning and all of this... it's not about myself exactly, but more like for everyone who has something bad happened to them and needs to stop feeling all these negative emotions. Anyway thanks for the help!