Bletic
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2006
292 IQ
#1
constructive criticism would be nice.
Attachments:
Song 1gp5.gp5
Gear
Ibanez RG421EXFM
Line 6 Spider III 75 watt
Epiphone Futura Prophecy Custom
Martin 1970's D-28
Erra93
erriuyai
Join date: Nov 2009
1,682 IQ
#2
This is definitely one of the better songs I've heard, sadly there's not much I can tell you when it comes to improving it though
Bar 165 til the end is... amazing, I just feel happy when I listen to it, haha

Edit: Dude, make the outro from bar 165 and on longer, it needs it!
Last edited by Erra93 at Apr 25, 2011,
Bletic
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2006
292 IQ
#3
longer meaning more of it, or solo/wank with it in the background as the outro? cuz that would be fantastic lol

p.s. ty for the listen/response
Gear
Ibanez RG421EXFM
Line 6 Spider III 75 watt
Epiphone Futura Prophecy Custom
Martin 1970's D-28
frankibo
UG Board King
Join date: May 2007
3,093 IQ
#4
A better drum part would really help, otherwise not bad. When I saw metalcore I thought I was gonna get a generic breakdown fest but it was actually pretty good.
My songs are all located here .
Feel free to drop by and crit a song.
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Colossus
Geldin
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2008
1,677 IQ
#5
Interesting. I have one huge issue right now that I need to get out of the way that is not related to drums: panning. If you're going to harmonize guitars, you have two options: they can both be panned roughly equally, or they can both be roughly centered. What you did in several parts, mostly at the end, was harmonize with one guitar hard panned and the other centered. Throw in the drums going all trigger happy at the end and I was actually disoriented (in a bad way).

My suggestion would be to take the rhythm guitar and double track that. One track is hard panned left, the other hard panned right. Move the melodic lines to a separate track that is centered. If you want to harmonize the melody and solos, move them both slightly off center, one in one direction, the other in the opposite direction. That really helps in songs like this.

On to the bit-by-bit critique:
Intro:
Good melody, good use of a chord progression. A lot of people seem to think that just tremoloing an open string is enough for a rhythm part under a melody like that. You, thankfully, are not one of them.

Verse:
I have two complaints, both of which are rather easily fixed. The slides in bars 18 and 20 sound very thin. If you add an octave below that, the sound thickens up considerably. The other complaint is that the rhythm is too simple in the verse riff. It's got a driving beat, but the guitars don't get into that enough. If you put a gallop or an octave or something in at the third beat of bars 17 and 19, the third beat gets emphasized like it is in the drum track, which gives the riff a more unified feel. I played around with the riff some, so I'll upload what I did. Just do something to break up that straight eighth note rhythm.

Chorus:
No real complaints. It kind of reminds me of the verse riff in Trivium's Throes of Perdition.

Set-Up:
Decent melodies. My criticism of the verse riff stands, since the melody is built over top that.

Piano:
Use an actual piano for this. It's not going to bite, I promise (sorry if that was extremely condescending). The melody and chord progression worked, but the piano part ought to be tabbed as a piano, if only for our sakes.

Selkies Stealz:
I like BTBAM too, so I didn't mind this at all. I played with the chord progression underneath the melody, to give it more of a driving sound. I think you might like the result. I also added a piano part playing chords underneath the melody at bar 157. That just thickened the sound up and it gave some context to the notes you used.

There are some really good parts here, but to make them shine, you need to work on your presentation. The rhythm guitar needed to be a lot stronger, the melody didn't need to be in one ear only, the panning didn't need to be asymmetric so that one ear literally heard louder notes than the other. I did some polishing and I've uploaded it in this post. It keeps the basic idea, but I played around with some of the rhythm parts and fixed the panning for you. I left the drums pretty much alone, but they need some work. Frank's the guy to tell you what to do, though. I suck with drums.

C4C
Attachments:
Song1gp5 GELDITTED.zip
Bletic
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2006
292 IQ
#6
thanks for all the help, i wrote this song 2 years ago and wanted to see if it sucked.
Gear
Ibanez RG421EXFM
Line 6 Spider III 75 watt
Epiphone Futura Prophecy Custom
Martin 1970's D-28
Bletic
Registered User
Join date: Dec 2006
292 IQ
#7
bump
Gear
Ibanez RG421EXFM
Line 6 Spider III 75 watt
Epiphone Futura Prophecy Custom
Martin 1970's D-28