#1
Wave of itch
Crashing deep
Fibrous stitch
Digging deep
Pupil pool
Black and steep
Thin red arms
Around the deep

Sick and hot
Down my veins
Crawling spot
Through my veins
Little talons
Tickling slow
Deep they dig
Around my veins

I feel touched
Thus insane
A twitching rush
Decussates

Thin and wet
Down my cheek
Stretching long
To my cheek
Frantic lust
To feel release
Welling and cool
Around my cheek

I feel touched
Thus insane
A twitching rush
Decussates
Last edited by Chaingarden at Apr 25, 2011,
#2
I'm not sure what audience you're aiming at, but the majority of them are never going to understand the word 'decussate'. Indeed, my spell checker has flagged it up. Take it out, you don't want to alienate your audience and surely there's an easier word to use.

Repetitions of words and the overall a,b,a,b rhyming scheme is trite.

There are no concrete images here at all. Nothing hits the reader in the face and connects with them instantly. Try adding something original and personal that gives the piece depth and shape.
#3
Quote by CityMoltenLight
I'm not sure what audience you're aiming at, but the majority of them are never going to understand the word 'decussate'. Indeed, my spell checker has flagged it up. Take it out, you don't want to alienate your audience and surely there's an easier word to use.

Repetitions of words and the overall a,b,a,b rhyming scheme is trite.

There are no concrete images here at all. Nothing hits the reader in the face and connects with them instantly. Try adding something original and personal that gives the piece depth and shape.


Yeah, this is admittedly oblique. Now that I'm revisiting it, it deserves a rewrite. I have a very specific idea of what it should be, and I didn't pull it off right away. I want it to be unusual, but there are choice words that need to change; words that leads the song to a place I didn't intend.

The word decussate is staying. It means exactly what I mean, with the implication I need. Dictionaries exist. So is the rhyming scheme, only because it's the best thing for the music I have.

Thanks for the crit, I really do appreciate it.
#4
Quote by Chaingarden

The word decussate is staying. It means exactly what I mean, with the implication I need. Dictionaries exist. So is the rhyming scheme, only because it's the best thing for the music I have.

Thanks for the crit, I really do appreciate it.


If you think it works, go for it and no worries, I hope I could help.
#6
Quote by rd93
CityMoltenLight is right about connecting with the reader. There's a lot of images and triggers but you barely describe the reaction, your emotions or anything else.


Yeah, I'm not liking this the more I re-read it. I was being weird. I was being creepy. I don't think I was being honest.
#7
I personally think the rhyming scheme was a little different than just a traditional overused ABAB, but the pattern that he did was a little different in the second verse. The asymmetry is okay I suppose, but I agree with the decision to rewrite Chain. Many of the ideas never develop and the whole piece simply becomes a patched together string of subliminal imagery. Like a frankenstein, except transparent and easily forgotten. It can easily become something more substantial with a little more thought.
"Words"
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#8
Quote by datgnat
I personally think the rhyming scheme was a little different than just a traditional overused ABAB, but the pattern that he did was a little different in the second verse. The asymmetry is okay I suppose, but I agree with the decision to rewrite Chain. Many of the ideas never develop and the whole piece simply becomes a patched together string of subliminal imagery. Like a frankenstein, except transparent and easily forgotten. It can easily become something more substantial with a little more thought.


Yeah, I might not even rewrite. You're right in that it's patchwork. Truth be told, it's about really bad allergies.



Thanks again for the crits you guys.