#1
Just want some tips for this song I just wrote. I'll probably be showing to my band mates in the next few days but wondered if you guys had any tips for it (I don't do lyric's often, so be gentle )

I'll have another verse but this is the general style of it.

Let the light, pierce the dark
Let the moon, shine so bright
Let the veil, shrink away
Watch the ghost, take your hand
He shall make you understand

You, Are
All I want to be
I, cry
For all the time I lost
With You

Watch the clouds, part the way
Watch the stars, fall from grace
Watch the fire, burn the sky
Let the guardian, shine the trail
Let him lead you, home again

You, Are
Everything I hate in me
I, cry
For all the time I spent
With You
Spiraling Up Through the Crack in the Sky...

...Leaving Material World Behind...


SOUNDCLOUD

GT - Elite Curbstomp
Last edited by Skinny91 at Apr 25, 2011,
#3
Yeah the title was a tentative one, I hadn't thought of it a name until and did this thread and saw the recurring theme, haha. But thanks!
Spiraling Up Through the Crack in the Sky...

...Leaving Material World Behind...


SOUNDCLOUD

GT - Elite Curbstomp
#4
This is okay. I can't find anything in these lyrics that particularly stand out, though. Everything - from the light shining in the dark, to the stars falling, to the sky burning - it's been done before. It's pretty mediocre - I'm not saying it's bad at all, but you won't win any awards for these lyrics and they're not particularly going to stick in my memory.

However, if you're happy with them, by all means make them into a song. (Often music does a lot to make lyrics better.) In that case, here are a few little thoughts:

Quote by Skinny91
Let the light, pierce the dark
Let the moon, shine so bright
I like the rhyme between "light" and "bright" here.
Let the veil, shrink away
Watch the ghost, take your hand
He shall make you understand
I would change it to "He will make..." The "shall" just gives off bad metal song vibes to me.

You, Are
All I want to be
I, cry
For all the time I lost
With You

Watch the clouds, part the way
Watch the stars, fall from grace
Watch the fire, burn the sky
Let the guardian, shine the trail
Let him lead you, home again

You, Are
Everything I hate in me
Don't you want "everything" instead of "all" in the first chorus as well? It'd probably make it flow better.
I, cry
For all the time I spent
With You
#5
Thanks for the critique Jappalenos. Yeah, thats what I was a bit afraid of when I saw them finished. But yeah, I completely agree with everything you said, this is probably only the second set of lyrics I have come close to finishing, so I'm pretty new to this

The music definitely does bring them to life a lot more, its kind of a depressing acoustic piece, but I'd still rather have words that can stand on there own Thanks for your help.
Spiraling Up Through the Crack in the Sky...

...Leaving Material World Behind...


SOUNDCLOUD

GT - Elite Curbstomp
#6
Quote by Skinny91
I'm pretty new to this

That's what I thought. I'm not gonna act like I'm any better than you, I've been at it for years and I'm still not any good Keep at it!
#7
Thats fair, my singer told me it took him ages to start getting really good lyrics as well And thanks, will do.
Spiraling Up Through the Crack in the Sky...

...Leaving Material World Behind...


SOUNDCLOUD

GT - Elite Curbstomp