#1
i never reached the point where i could fall
asleep in your presence, nor say hello to
your everchanging aesthetics. morning whispers
of warm thoughts but yes, an afternoon deluge as well.
fire and rain, fire and rain; i'm tired of laying
in the stomach of an empty room with a dark ceiling,
where honest feelings scamper up and across
adjacent streets like stray dogs. in the stale breath
perpetuated by a fan spinning slow, i smell the sweetness
of that lovely day when i either knew everything
or didn't care about what i didn't know, when you were
like a rolling river of moments i could crystallize
and examine and love, pressing further for more.
it was a time when summer invaded the veins
and consciousness was outside the periphery
of her and i. and for as many poems as i write
to somehow birth a sun i'd eventually abandon,
the rain still wets the flowers which grow
and i do my best to keep my beard trimmed low,
i wake each morning with newfound virtues
and feel-good songs for the empty passenger seat.
but there's very little i can do to avoid it
from bringing me here, tired and awake,
eyelids burning, a few tears laying in wait;
fire and rain, fire and rain, fire and rain.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I think this would be better if it was split into stanzas after the fourth, thirteenth and 21st lines (those are just where I would split them, but I think it should be separated at least somewhere). And I'm not sure about "didn't care about what I didn't know"; it kinds of reads weird, but maybe not. I was a bit skeptical at first because of the title but this is my favorite of yours in recent memory. You are a master of imagery and rhyming.
Last edited by rd93 at Apr 25, 2011,
#3
Man, this is fantastic.

"......of that lovely day when i either knew everything
or didn't care about what i didn't know"

Maybe this line wasn't paticularly important to you, but for some reason its my favourite.

Doubleplusgood!
#5
The diction in this was fantastic! You're very good at creating aesthetic within the words themselves in addition to their meaning. This was a lot of fun to read. The only line I didn't really like was "and i do my best to keep my beard trimmed low". In addition to being a rather arbitrary place for a rhyme, the line didn't have the same verbal grace as the rest of the piece, which is beautifully written.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#7
This stroke me as a very stream-of-consciousness piece and because of that I feel you should keep this structured the way it is, and not split it into stanzas. This piece reads as if I am using telepathy to invade your fleeting thoughts, as they come and go. With that said, there is still a thread that links those thoughts into something tangible and believable. Your ideas are razor-sharp and thought-provoking. I really enjoyed the use of wording and how you used external occurances to describe some deeply private experiences: "in the stomach of an empty room with a dark ceiling,
where honest feelings scamper up and across
adjacent streets like stray dogs. in the stale breath
perpetuated by a fan spinning slow, i smell the sweetness
of that lovely day when i either knew everything
or didn't care about what i didn't know" and "i wake each morning with newfound virtues
and feel-good songs for the empty passenger seat.
but there's very little i can do to avoid it" strike me as so. Wonderful.

In terms of criticism I would probably have another look at the second line; the 'nor' is very out-of-place in that line. I wasn't particularly fond of this line either: "and for as many poems as i write."

but apart from that, I really enjoyed this piece. This piece definitely brought a new perpective to the table.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 28, 2011,
#8
I adore how visceral this is without becoming meandering- the mark of true evokation in my opinion. very strong piece and I just loved the way it took me whilst reading it.
#9
Very good I must say.
It might look a little neater if you spilt it every verse/chorus (Unless it's all one big one)

Otherwise, I like the wording and themes you present.
#10
thanks a lot guys. i appreciate the kind words and i will reciprocate as soon as i can
here, My Dear, here it is
#11
"...i'm tired of laying in the stomach of an empty room..."

This is one of those lines I wish I had written. Great job. I appreciate your work, man.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER