#1
Crit for crit, let me know and leave a link.
www.apeyardholler.com

Fleeing Adullt

Watch the faucet like a river; dressed, grown.
Me, my mother’s first son bothering another-
oh my closest friend; loving a little girl’s stutter.

Has it been the beard make me older? The
dirt ‘neath my nails dreaming clean older? That
love washing my hands in the streams in Loretto

where my Grandpa once lived sipping Bourbon
when I used to be the potbellied older son.
Now in my twenty second year, the raised waters

are still clear; love no longer absent in the tomb
of my words, and will returning to the south turn
me back into a boy? With teeth wriggling away beneath

pillowed truancy, no. But I can sleep next to her youth and
never be scared. Of her breast without jewelry
or her stutter twice removed cruelty. I think

how could I dream without her? Blamefully. So I once
dreamt us younger, the same- in the dirt,
naked and looking forward to our old love.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
I think it should be "Has it been the beard made me older?"

You showed be this before, but I was sleepy, so here goes:

First off, I love what you're trying to do, really. It's so ****ing difficult sometimes to make a piece that is on the sweeter side of the emotional spectrum without coming off as corny or naive. I've often wondered why that is, and I think it has something to do with the fact that negative emotions are often extremely complex and derive from many factors that build into this perfect/terrible storm. This extreme emotional torrent. Happiness however, is often times so much simpler. It can be something as simple as a girl, like this piece, that causes that happiness. But simple can be done well, and I think this is a good example.

"Love no longer absent in the tomb of my words" is a phenomenal line...you carry your metaphors and imagery consistently through, river, dirt, cleanliness, childhood and of course love. Actually my only complaint was that you used the word love far too often in the space of the piece. I generally believe that using the word "love" in a love poem is too easy. You should describe what is difficult to describe, that elusive meaning and truth behind that word.

Hooray for objective criticism!
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#3
I pretty much agree with what Svetlova said. But I think the "pillowed truancy" line should end at "youth" and "and" should be on the next line. The length of the line makes me pause the flow after "and" as I move over to the next line without knowing what it is. Sorry I don't have much of a crit
#4
At first, I didn't like the written southern accent thing you had going, mostly because I couldn't understand it.

However, after working my way through the entire piece, I see what you did there, what with the accent representing your happy, youthful whatever and so on. An interesting way to break from the norm that has grown around this theme.

Some rhymes caught me eye (another / stutter, I thought had a pretty cool ring to it), but certain images stuck out as a bit overdeveloped: "pillowed truancy" and "her stutter twice removed cruelty" in particular. They're hard to follow, and not so powerful as maybe you thought when you first thought them up.

Line breaks are... tricky, but you seem fairly confident in them, so I'll leave it at "tricky".
I didn't love this, but I'd say it's interesting.
Ps, I've a link in my sig that's just dying for someone to be mean to it
#5
The line-breaks were very well-done, particularly in the manner it was used; intertwining different sceneries (with a flick of a switch.) For the most part, you made very good use of the 'Old English-esque' language - apart from the second stanza, each line read in a very natural manner. I didn't like how you phrased the first line in the second stanza; it was too over-the-top for my liking. I don't like the contraction of 'beneath' - although I do realise that this piece is written in meter. I didn't care for 'dreamt us younger', from the sixth stanza. And, like Lisa said, "Love no longer absent in the tomb of my words" is a phenomenal line.

Overall, I enjoyed this.