#1
Okay, I worked on this little song for about two weeks now. I have some awkwardness issues in the first verse especially (and elsewhere) and I am not very fond of the refrain. The rhythm is a little shaky right now as well. Anyway, I figured I critiqued a few other people's pieces, it isn't really fair for me to critique theirs without allowing them to laugh at mine... I could really use some help, I just can't move forward on this piece anymore on my own.

"The Something of Something, Isn't really the Anything of Anything"

The skies here are deeper, than I remember the Atlantic being
And the wind blows harder, than it did in Kansas in 1939
God's canvas has left me wandering, and my lungs are disagreeing
With the thin mountain air, that envelopes the Continental Divide

West is the direction, in which the refugee finds his destination
From the top of the country, I can see that I am blind
To the fact I missed the rush, and the population's dissipation
But the thought of facing judgment, is a fear that I despise

I am left chasing the sunset, being bludgeoned by the regret
I left on the right side of the map
My family has not forgotten, and I think of home just as often
As I have to face their reprimand

The sky here is deeper, it's the easiest way to get misplaced
In a land of fabrication, that is as unforgiving as it is beautiful
I cannot return to my father, and say "I come to you beaten and abased.
"Will you not refuse me, and tell me all my sins are null?"

I am left chasing the sunset, being bludgeoned by the regret
I left on the right side of the map
My family has not forgotten, and I desire home just as often
As it rains in this forsaken land

"Will you not refuse me, and tell me all my sins are null?"
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
Last edited by OctopusBricks at Apr 26, 2011,
#2
nothing really to critique and you can write, but i don't really like it. feels grey.
i need to hear it.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#3
I can see if you were trying to capture the whole "manifest destiny" spirit, but how does this song relate to YOU? I'm not feeling a whole lot of vascularity here.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
@Rooster: The song is about my moving out West and feeling like I am failure. It is really about feeling the pressure to succeed and the shame of returning home empty handed. I can see what you are saying, though. But if you don't feel it, there is not amount of my explaining that could make you.

@Rebel: Fair enough. Unfortunately, I have no recording equipment. Also, I am a horrible vocalist.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#5
I think the first two comments you got outline the key issues with this piece, especially with "it feels grey".

However, before I even read your reply to the two comments, I definitely picked up that it was about leaving somewhere and the fear of facing up to the future and responsibilities.

"To the fact I missed the rush, and the population's dissipation
But the thought of facing judgment, is a fear that I despise"

This line would of been very strong if it weren't for "..is a fear tha I despise". You've clearly got a good vocabularly that you can wield imaginitively, so I would suggest reworking it. To be honest, the main problem I feel with this piece is emotional connection. I really can't tell you how to correct it so I'm sorry for that, but I thought it'd be better to tell you anyway.

Overall, this was a decent piece that needs to have a little more passion coming out of it. I need you to hint about what you;re scared of failing, and who it is you want to impress.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help, like I;ve said before I'm not too good at critiques.

Have a good day either way man!
#6
Thank you for your critique! I appreciate that you took the time. I guess that I need to show less observation and more emotion in this piece, something that I will keep in my mind during my re-write of this work and any future works that I begin. Thanks again, to all who took the time to comment.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.