#1
I am no longer relevant;
I no longer behave in an oppressive manner
(my, how I have grown.)

All my friends are a non-existent splurge
that never age well. My wish
was always their command -
be it solitude or persecution
(take it how you will.)

I am just like you
but further from that tour de force
(am I going too fast for you?)

I am constantly searching for a guardian,
without any concern on what the rest might provide.
Nature is a hollow reservoir?
Maybe
maybe not -
can you leave me alone now?
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 3, 2011,
#2
I really loved the dialogue style of this piece. It was refreshing to read a piece that was not unnecessarily verbose. The only thing I didn't care for were the parenthetical comments... They felt a little awkward and seemed to interrupt the flow of the piece. Otherwise this read really well.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#3
my only suggestion would be to put the "am I going too fast for you?" in brackets, to give the piece a bit more of an assured feel.

otherwise this has one of the greatest opening lines to a poem I've ever read- I was instantly captivated. parts were a tad squishy word choice wise, "splurge", but the words do always fit in some way or another. solid solid concept and really strong beginning and ending. well done.
#4
Thanks for the contribution (and kind words) guys I took your advice and put "am I going too fast for you?" in parenthesis, Alex. UncleRemus (I don't think I know your name) the reason why I decided to use the parenthical comments is because I wanted this piece to read very much like a one-way dialogue, if that at all make sense.

#5
My name's Cole. And that makes a lot of sense, actually. In fact, the dialogue style is what I really like about this piece so if the parenthetical asides are needed to support that than I understand completely.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#6
I don't know man, this for some reason didn't really do it for me. I guess the substance level was lacking, even though it might have been real personal. Sorry.
#7
I can't say i'm a big fan of the piece. It feels too sardonic, i don't feel much humanity in this. I recognise that this is a style but when i see it used i like to get an idea of the human behind the cynicism. I recognised that you were giving me details about yourself but they felt like statistics. I think that might be the reason this didn't do it for me but i might be wrong. You're a good writer though, alot of good phrases in here. I just think it could benefit from a better balance between the cerbral and the emotional.
#8
I loved the ending. I thought that was the strongest part of the piece. The entire thing is very good and very well-written, but I especially enjoyed that one part in particular. I am always fond of when endings echo earlier sentiments, ideas, or lines in the poem and this did that for me. This has an interesting blend of cryptic-ness and emotionally vulnerability. I can feel you're expressing some important things but you don't bare for all to see. I think that works well given some of the ideas of the piece.

As for suggestions, I agree with Sticky about "splurge". I feel there's a better word you could replace it with that would offer more description and direction, especially in such a shorter piece. Also, I wasn't a fan of the exclamation behind "take it how you will". First because I never really imagine someone saying that phrase in an exclamatory tone, and second because it felt a little out of place in a poem that had such a feeling of resignation about it.

But all in all, this is a great piece and you're a great writer
here, My Dear, here it is