#1
Ok, so this is my first song. Ever.

It's actually going a concept album. The Protagonist just returned to him and his fiance's apartment after a chemical compound completely disassembled her atoms from the inside out. [Prolly sounds lame when I try to explain it.]

Criticism is SO very welcomed. I don't expect it to be very good, since it's my first song ever.


So this is how they'll end us
obliterating without bullets or bombs
There's no way to stop them,
and I'll wish forever that you weren't gone

The gasping started, no time for questions
You lost the battle so gracefully.
I was nothing more than a silent statue
as you screamed and begged for me.

Chorus:
Call for Justice!
Grant no refuge...
Scream for blood!
Can't cleanse your hands...
Decombine them.
They'll beg for silence
Avenge or perish,
screams our dying land.

Houses untouched and blessed with mercy,
yet bodies are smoldering in protest.
How easily they deny it,
oh behold, our 'perfect' government.

Tell me when, you last found refuge
in their words of abandonment
soon your voice will be remembered,
revenge is my form of punishment.

Chorus x 2

So this is how they'll end me
my life and soul now gone.
What about, forever annie?
Just wait until all is said and done.

Chorus.
#2
I'm taking off points for use of the word 'prolly' in the explanatory text...

Other than that, I like it, especially for a first attempt.

I'm sure this wasn't your intention, but I kind of imagined it as 3rd act epic in a musical.

Some of it is a bit cliched, and there were lines I probably (note the 'b's) would have phrased differently, but I like the subject, I like to tone, and I especially like the title.

Nice one!
#3
Aww thanks :]

Yeah, I've never actually written a song. I usually play instrumentals or my band mate writes the lyrics.
#4
Let us start in Verse Uno. First, I might change the second line to "Obliteration without bullets or bombs." Second, I think that the protagonist just discovered his fiance is dead, I am not sure, since I do not have the prior songs in the concept. But regardless of wether he found her in the apartment dead or he is just returning to the apartment soon after her dying elsewhere, it seems a little unlikely that his reaction would be "I'll wish forever that you weren't gone." Sure, that is how he would feel, in a sense, but I feel his reaction would show that feeling in a much stronger way. Hopefully that made sense…

In Verse Dos, you are apparently describing her last moments. Upon reading this verse, I take it that the protagonist was present at her death, so I guess that means he is not returning to the apartment to find her dead. Again though, I am not certain. Anyway, you have a bit of a contradiction in this line. You say she "lost the battle so gracefully" and two lines later state that she "screamed and begged."

Now on to the Chorus. First, I am almost certain that "Decombine" is not a word. Maybe a word like "Separate" or "disengage" would work better? Lastly, the "Screams our dying land" does not make sense to me, but again, I have not read the prior pieces to this puzzle.

Verse Tres. Here, and in the Chorus, you begin to progress the story from feelings of sorrow to anger aimed at the guilty party. I do not understand why some people are spared the apparently tyrannical rule of the oppressive government, again, I might need some back story here. Also, "protest" and "government" do not really rhyme.

I cannot find much to say about Verse Cuatro. The only thing I have is that it is a little vague as to wether it is the protagonist's punishment, or the punishment he is going to inflict? Is he the punish-ee of the punisher?

In Verse Cinco, we see you get back to the beginning of the song; the death of "Annie" and how he feels about it. I would say that this verse itself could be a good ending for the song, even without one more chorus. Just my opinion thought.

Overall, I wish that we had more emotion and time to explore the death of Annie, and how it must torment the protagonist that he stood by and did nothing. I do like the way that his sadness turns to anger, don't get me wrong. I just wish we had little bit more of the shock and desperation one feels when a loved one dies. It is difficult to enjoy and fully criticize this piece without reading the rest of the story, so if you post more pieces, let me know.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#5
decombine isn't a word. But the the drug is called the decombiner. It's air-transmitted and rips atoms apart.

I will take that into consideration and try a revision thanks.

sorry for any spelling errors. My laptop is on drugs and keeps inserting letters where they don't belong and I can't figure out why x.x
Last edited by Rinibugg at Apr 28, 2011,
#6
Quote by OctopusBricks
Let us start in Verse Uno. First, I might change the second line to "Obliteration without bullets or bombs." Second, I think that the protagonist just discovered his fiance is dead, I am not sure, since I do not have the prior songs in the concept. But regardless of wether he found her in the apartment dead or he is just returning to the apartment soon after her dying elsewhere, it seems a little unlikely that his reaction would be "I'll wish forever that you weren't gone." Sure, that is how he would feel, in a sense, but I feel his reaction would show that feeling in a much stronger way. Hopefully that made sense…

In Verse Dos, you are apparently describing her last moments. Upon reading this verse, I take it that the protagonist was present at her death, so I guess that means he is not returning to the apartment to find her dead. Again though, I am not certain. Anyway, you have a bit of a contradiction in this line. You say she "lost the battle so gracefully" and two lines later state that she "screamed and begged."

Now on to the Chorus. First, I am almost certain that "Decombine" is not a word. Maybe a word like "Separate" or "disengage" would work better? Lastly, the "Screams our dying land" does not make sense to me, but again, I have not read the prior pieces to this puzzle.

Verse Tres. Here, and in the Chorus, you begin to progress the story from feelings of sorrow to anger aimed at the guilty party. I do not understand why some people are spared the apparently tyrannical rule of the oppressive government, again, I might need some back story here. Also, "protest" and "government" do not really rhyme.

I cannot find much to say about Verse Cuatro. The only thing I have is that it is a little vague as to wether it is the protagonist's punishment, or the punishment he is going to inflict? Is he the punish-ee of the punisher?

In Verse Cinco, we see you get back to the beginning of the song; the death of "Annie" and how he feels about it. I would say that this verse itself could be a good ending for the song, even without one more chorus. Just my opinion thought.

Overall, I wish that we had more emotion and time to explore the death of Annie, and how it must torment the protagonist that he stood by and did nothing. I do like the way that his sadness turns to anger, don't get me wrong. I just wish we had little bit more of the shock and desperation one feels when a loved one dies. It is difficult to enjoy and fully criticize this piece without reading the rest of the story, so if you post more pieces, let me know.
Your critiques are fantastic. Thank you for putting so much effort into this forum.
#8
Nice first-timer! I have not much to say at this point. Other than I'd like to read some more ^^
#9
Thanks! I'm going to sit down and try to do some revising later this afternoon. I agree that some of it seems a bit cliche, and that it's not telling the story as well as I'd like.

I'm used to writing books, not songs. So I have a feeling changing mediums might prove slightly more difficult than I originally though

Thanks for all the advice, everyone
~^.^ 'ello :]~
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Your critiques are fantastic. Thank you for putting so much effort into this forum.


I believe the creative community gets stronger if we actually put some time in to help one another, and that is all I am trying to do. I don't want anyone to believe that I think I am some writing god, however, I need help just like the rest. So, if anyone wants to look at my piece , I would love to return the favor. [/shamelessplug]
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.