#1
Dancing Under Lightning

***
Parted my hair and creased the clothes
Shut the water off, and wipe my nose
Everybody has a place to be
Insulting to the point of make believe

Ripping through the corners then slam my brakes
Left here plenty early but now I'm late
Always offered stories I'll never need
Like enjoying watching all the others bleed.

Dancing under lightning to make it rain
Seeping through the cracks of charred remains
Wish there was a more consistent flow
To realize there was never a need to row.

Every day's a form of advanced T.V.
But you get to interact and it's for free
Can you tune in through the snow?
Come on darling, you know it's just a show.

Why would someone
block the waves of a stream?
Does it symbolize a process
one day we might need?

Secure your comforts
with ever increasing bankrolls
But can you escape
the weight that is forever in tow.

It's hard to breathe in right
now that your gas mask is gone.
We weren't meant to be the light
from the wall we switch off and on.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Apr 29, 2011,
#2
Nice!
Strange, It seems like a character mutation, Though I have all the means, of bringing you fuckers down, I can't make myself, To destroy upon command, Somehow forgiveness, lets the evil make a loss - Danger Mouse/Sparklehorse/Wayne Coyne
#3
I really liked the last two stanzas because of how unified the ideas were. These two lines made me chuckle though: "Why would someone/ block the waves of a stream?" There was just something about that linebreak that was really funny (but very well done.) I iddn't care about the rhyme-scheme here; the last two stanzas were the only stanzas were I felt you made good use of it. There were some awkwardness in how you worded some of the sentences in this piece. Lines like "Like enjoying watching all the others bleed", "Everybody's got a place to be" and "Ripping through the corners and slam my brakes" come to mind.

Overall it was a nice piece but I wasn't at all captivated 'til I reached the last two stanzas. More of that please
#5
Good stuff but like bleed away said look at that wording in a few places, other than that though very good. What did you write this about just out of curiosity?
#6
It shows the frustration that I deal with that most everyone seems to be living in a different reality than me. Not saying that my version is better or anything, just mine makes more sense to me but it just rarely seems like others version is making much sense to them. I don't know, i tried.