#1
Maybe one of the better poems I've written? LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

And for the first time in days,
I looked in the mirror but
saw a pig.

And I splashed water on my face and wiped it clean
but still had that pork-face, piggy-snout
and I smashed that mirror
with my fist.

And I took a blade
and sliced off my fingers
to prove that I wasn't a pig.

I have three fingers left
on each hand
and can't hold the knife anymore
and I charged at the mirror
and cut my face on the shattered
glass from my tirade before.

And there's blood on the ground and
four fingers floating in the pool
and I laid my head down on my forearm.

They rejected me
when I got to the hospital.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jun 16, 2011,
#2
don't take this personally, but i think this is bad. it's hard to see your point, awkwardly written and arranged, no flow to speak of (which is fine when it works). when I get to a computer I'll give you a full crit, but you may just want to scrap it and try again.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#3
Supposed to be awkward, supposed to have no flow, and the point is supposed to be vague. Glad to hear it worked
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#4
NO HARSH FEELING BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD **** MY HEAD INSTEAD OF WRITING POETRY YOU PIECE OF ****ING SH*T POETRY NERD!!

Just kidding, I love you. This made my wiener tingle.

Please change "previous punch"...
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#5
I've tried everything to change it, but I can't I will keep working on it.

Thanks KURRY
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#6
when i read the first two stanzas i thought the song was about an eating disorder of some sort and then the cutting finger part threw me off. you may want to try to keep the flow of one idea.. don't suprise the listener with one idea to the next. well, this is my opinion and try to put some rhythm into the word. other than that, i would love to see the final outcome.
Unusual Abstraction of Thoughts
#7
It's more of a poem, and I want it to be shitty to read because I felt shitty writing it. It may seem like the idea is switching and changing, but it's all one solid idea. Just read it a couple times, imagine the scene, pretend it's a human crying and being fucked up and disgusted with himself, and you'll understand the poem.
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#9
yeah...still think very little of it. just not for me i guess
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#11
this is actually one of the best things I've read on here.

that ending is completely sublime. well done.
#12
content aside, the thing that I liked about this was the lack of self-censorship, or the lack of protective ego, or however to put it
Last edited by parkt921k at May 30, 2011,
#13
In Verse One, there is a little ambiguity. Is it the "first time in days" that you looked in the mirror, or the first time in days that you saw a pig in the mirror. The only reason that might matter is if you are trying to say seeing yourself as a pig is a recurring phenomenon, or you are trying to draw importance to the fact that this is the first time, a revelation "I am a pig!?"

In Verse Two, I might change "that mirror" to "the mirror," since there is only one mirror being written about in this piece.

Verse Three doesn't really have anything I would change. I actually kind of like this verse, in that the narrator, despite his intentions, appears to be doing something that will hurt his cause instead of help it.

Not a big fan of Verse Four. The real question is, how did he cut the fingers off of his other hand if three fingers is not enough to hold the knife? For at the point that he was able to cut the other fingers, he had to hold the knife in his already mutilated hand, which only had 3 fingers at that point. It seems that one hand should have at least four fingers. Note, this is not why I dislike this verse. I just did not feel it to be particularly special or poetic.

I don't have much to say about Verse Five. Sorry.

The ending is the best part. I feel like you say a lot more in these two lines than perhaps in the rest of the poem.

Overall, this is not my cup of tea. The bulk of the piece feels rather non-poetic and I did not much care for it. The first five verses of this piece almost feel like an outline for a greater idea, but are not quite developed yet. Don't take it personally, that is just my opinion. But I feel like the last line says a lot (at least it does to me).
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#14
Thank you for the comments, and for the review Octopus. I appreciate it
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#15
This one made me smile.
I like how both the first and second stanza have the set of longer lines and then both end with a shorter and more blunt line.
I hate the line "pieces from my previous punch."
Too goofy, the repetitive 'p' sound and phrasing just sounded off to me.

Liked it, though!
#16
I hate that line too, I just can't think of anything else to say. Any suggestions? I'd like to change it, just having trouble with that line.
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#17
I have three fingers left
on each hand
and can't hold the knife anymore
and I charged at the mirror
and cut my face on the shattered
glass from my tirade before.

or glass left from my tirade before.

myb?
#18
I like that a lot actually. I hope you don't mind me changing it to that

Thanks for the help, AWESOME
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