#1
o brief candle,
cartesian wax to drip
and shadow cast-
a chorus of no one's harmony
rings around annually,
in full orbit of the crescent
in round trip again,
a cul de sac assembley
and deaf choir boys
belting in the dark.
the way home is lighted once more
as the final verse rounds out-
and placed above, iced
twisted spine encased
we will dwindle, all
in either heat or light chaste.
#2
Beautiful word choice, I just had to read this poem aloud to myself to get the full effect. Simple, but perfectly illustrated metaphor. Transience is such a wonderful challenge to put into words.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#4
So many unrelated things relating to each other.

This is music.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
my apologies, mr. goldfish- exams and such have been so crazy. but I shall.

this was such a wonderful surprise! thank you everyone!
#10
this could be cleaned up in a few key spots to make the imagery stand out even more. it was more wordy than it wanted to be. brevity is your friend already here, now surrender yourself to her.
#12
Quote by #1 synth
this could be cleaned up in a few key spots to make the imagery stand out even more. it was more wordy than it wanted to be. brevity is your friend already here, now surrender yourself to her.


any spots in particular? I'm a stickler for those sorts of things and I appreciate the crit.
#13
this was so good, man. really. "the way home is lighted once more" was simply and beautifully put. i thought this had great economy though synth disagrees. this was well-deserved
here, My Dear, here it is
#14
Nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I write, I try to create a picture with my words. I mean hopefully, when other people read or listen to my lyrics It casts up a lot of different images and thoughts. That's what your piece did to me. In short... NICE!
#15
o brief candle,
im never a fan of o, i think its archaic in the annoying sense. more powerful with just brief candle i think, more open. if you want the o maybe shift the title to include the same sentiment?
cartesian wax to drip
and shadow cast-
the to drip and and shadow cast seem to be a confusing connection, mostly to do with the to before the drip. i would leave nix the to.
a chorus of no one's harmony
rings around annually,
in full orbit of the crescent
in round trip again,
a cul de sac assembley
and deaf choir boys
belting in the dark. just want to say the trio lines preceding this are friggin great
the way home is lighted once more
im going to be in the minority and say this line was longwinded and boring, especially following the previous image, my mind wanted it more snappy
as the final verse rounds out-
i think the as is unnecessary, i would also question the the
and placed above, iced
twisted spine encased
we will dwindle, all
in either heat or light chaste.
no problems with the rest that i would say

sorry, did this all real quick without quotation marks. hope you are doing well man.
-Dylan