#1
Hey, Another new pretty rushed piece.

Cherry Blossom's Gone For The Year

Cherry Blossom
Spirals down
In Heliocentric
Gauze.
And here I lie, maudlin.

They take their rest,
In several shades
of Crimson.
And Here I lie, maudlin.

Cherry Blossom
Spirals Down
Like shards of stained glass,
In rotation.
And Here I was, maudlin.

No More.

Im not happy with the 'No More' part, but im leavinmg it here for record's sake.
Last edited by ultrasonic at Apr 29, 2011,
#2
I'd really recommend not capitalizing so much, as its distracting in my opinion and I don't see what it adds to the piece. that being said, I really loved the diction here- maudlin, heliocentric in particular were great choices. also not super keen on the last two words- they felt unnecessary in some ways; the feeling of no more is already contained in the idea of cherry blossoms to begin with, I feel, or at least that's what came across as I read it. so other than some inconsistencies, I did enjoy this