#1
C4C

Head down with a sigh, default reaction every time
Same old bullshit everynight, it's not a struggle it's a fight
With all these chemical reponses, ways of coping with my losses
With all these chemical reactions, breaking love apart in fractions of a whole
I'll never know, which way my body goesSome sorry symptoms of a cold obnoxiousMan with whom I'm staring into mirrors shaking handsShaking knees and breaking plans
That I'd have never made if I'd have known
The way my body goes and my body goes

Ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da (x4)
And my heart goes
Ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da (x4)

Falling into pieces, Lazarus he would be weepin
For when he finally walked the earth he'd seen
Guns and bombs and knives and things
And people killing endlessly, we're floating around aimlessly
And filled with vicious irony, yeah love will be the death of me
And when my bodies buried will my loved ones want to carry
All the weight of my decisions cause the way that I've been living
Don't give too much room for breathing and maybe that's the reason
That my dirty lungs don't hesitate to fill with smoke and resonate
My point is something meek so I will whisper it then sing about
How everyone I know, well they don't sing about the ghosts
That haunt their dreams when they're asleep, what keeps em up what makes 'em weep
What makes your body ache and quiver, what makes your body shiver
At the thought of being alone
God, I don't wanna be alone
#2
Man, I can't offer any decent criticism, I'm no good at that so I just call it as I see it.

First off, what kind of music does this fit too? The flow of the piece sort of points to rap/hip-hop but a lot of lyrics on paper can look like that.

There are a couple of lines that I really like:

"Don't give too much room for breathing and maybe that's the reason
That my dirty lungs don't hesitate to fill with smoke and resonate
My point is something meek so I will whisper it then sing about
How everyone I know, well they don't sing about the ghosts"

I like the wordplay of those first two lines and the honest vunerability of the other two, so well done on that man.

However, there are a couple of lines that I don't dig as such:

"Guns and bombs and knives and things
With all these chemical reponses, ways of coping with my losses
With all these chemical reactions, breaking love apart in fractions of a whole"

The first line is a little ad-hoc and forced but also cliche. I'd try tidying that one up a bit. The other two just seem to push the word "chemical" out there for poetic worth, without actually meaning anything? I'm sorry if I'm wrong but thats just as I see it.

Also, you tie it all up with a very cliche line of "God I don't wanna be alone". I think even mediocre pieces can be slightly redeemed if you end it with a couple of really interesting line. Though it sounds simple, it IS the last thing the reader reads.

Anyway, there you are! I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice on how to better it, but I hope you can appreciate what I'm saying (or trying to).

Its a half-decent piece that need a couple of lines reworking. Keep up writing man!

(I've just posted some sh#t about an anchor and balloon if you wouldn't mind taking a quick look man!)
#3
Quote by Bag'ed
Man, I can't offer any decent criticism, I'm no good at that so I just call it as I see it.

First off, what kind of music does this fit too? The flow of the piece sort of points to rap/hip-hop but a lot of lyrics on paper can look like that.

There are a couple of lines that I really like:

"Don't give too much room for breathing and maybe that's the reason
That my dirty lungs don't hesitate to fill with smoke and resonate
My point is something meek so I will whisper it then sing about
How everyone I know, well they don't sing about the ghosts"

I like the wordplay of those first two lines and the honest vunerability of the other two, so well done on that man.

However, there are a couple of lines that I don't dig as such:

"Guns and bombs and knives and things
With all these chemical reponses, ways of coping with my losses
With all these chemical reactions, breaking love apart in fractions of a whole"

The first line is a little ad-hoc and forced but also cliche. I'd try tidying that one up a bit. The other two just seem to push the word "chemical" out there for poetic worth, without actually meaning anything? I'm sorry if I'm wrong but thats just as I see it.

Also, you tie it all up with a very cliche line of "God I don't wanna be alone". I think even mediocre pieces can be slightly redeemed if you end it with a couple of really interesting line. Though it sounds simple, it IS the last thing the reader reads.

Anyway, there you are! I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice on how to better it, but I hope you can appreciate what I'm saying (or trying to).

Its a half-decent piece that need a couple of lines reworking. Keep up writing man!

(I've just posted some sh#t about an anchor and balloon if you wouldn't mind taking a quick look man!)


It's sort of an indie folk thing, it's a solo project that's inspired a lot by stuff like Kevin Devine, Neutral Milk Hotel, Andy Hull, etc.

The chemical lines are basically in reference to the chemical responses/reactions that go on inside of your body and realizing that all of these emotions/feelings/reactions are just chemicals reacting, rather than actual feelings. Thanks for the response though, I'll definitely check yours out as well!